Thank you for..

Taking care of me when I didn't feel well..more than once.
Staying with me when I felt lonely.
Surprising me with things.
Little notes to try to cheer me up when I was in a bad mood.
Hugging me when I cried.
Being silly with me and taking my teasing.
Being my best friend.


I can remember the bad times, but I can't still feel old hurts, just the good you were for me..I'm sorry you can only look back and see mostly bad now:'( I almost wish I could do the same so I could stop feeling so sad now that you're gone. I pray that healing can occur and we can be together again..so I can show you how much I love you and you can believe it. I'd sacrifice so much for you, to make you feel loved and stronger, to let you see you in the amazing light that I do. For now I just cry and pray..He's got this even though it feels like heart-crushing chaos :'(

"Oh, how'd we get so disconnected?
My heart is shutting down, oh I just can't let it.

So I'll run forward and pray you fall back,
Grace will come and clear your path
Yeah I'll run forward and you fall back,
Come back"    ~Audrey Assad, Run Forward.

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:'(

Whoever said the whole "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" thing was crazy. I can't possibly believe that right now. My heart is crushed and I wish if I could not have kept the man I love that I had never have fallen in love. It took long..I didn't just fall carelessly into it..it took me over a year to get how deeply I loved him. And he told me he'd never end it..but then decided he had to. I feel like God must have something planned for this, but the pain is so hard to bear. I don't understand how I can heal..all my time being sad and single never hurt like this. Being afraid of never finding someone is bad, thinking you've found him and then having him taken away is excruciating. Praying that God will help me see, more real than ever, that He can do the impossible..I know it, but now I'm scared to be worthlessly in love and pain forever, and to never find the love I not only longed to have, but to give. I really want to love and support a godly man..I wanted to be with him through any struggle. Praying..praying..praying :'(



"Set me like a star before the morning
Like a sun that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be"

Can Love Really not be Enough?

Dreams..God has used them to speak to His people in the past, and I don't doubt that He still can..and maybe does.

My boyfriend has had the same dream every night for awhile.  He sees me marrying another man..at first the face was known but changed a lot, not it's just blank..he thinks he may be someone we havent met yet. And he walks out of the church to people congratulating him on..something..he thinks building something, though perhaps not a physical type of building. Then a year or so later he sees me announcing im pregnant. He says the dream gets more vivid/detailed all the time, like it's almost as vivid as real life.

I'm..heartbroken. We're trying to pray and discern and be sure. I'd been unsure, started feeling renewed uncertainty, around when he started having the dream. It seems like an obvious sign..but the thing is, seeing how he's been so strong for me and how he's sought God through this..my uncertainty has died. I don't want to lose him. My questions about my desire to be married, to sacrifice for another, about him leading me. They're gone. And now I'm left feeling broken. I feel like God may be taking away my best friend just when I become sure I want to be with him, totally sure for the first time in our relationship. My love for him and desire to be with him have finally outweighed the pure fear of being alone. I don't think that I could ever love someone else like this. I don't want to just be married, I want him. I'm praying maybe this could be the purpose for the dream, but we're not convinced.

I've never been so sad for so long. Praying..just praying..