Headaches..

So I have felt a headache coming on off and on for awhile now..and the tiny dull pain above and to the left of my left eye is starting to become more persistent. Part of me..a LOT of me actually, finds this pretty unfortunate considering I have homework and, well, don't like headaches. However, it also hit me only hours ago that it's been awhile since I had a headache. Only months ago I got them weekly, sometimes almost daily. And for some reason it took me getting one now to remind me that I don't have them as much anymore. This, I can appreciate.

Now for the probably ridiculously bad analogy..if you'd call this an analogy.. In any case, the part of me that likes to find underlying principles and random object lessons in everyday things can't resist, so here it goes.

A lot of times there are things we've done or said in life that are like our headaches. Maybe it's addiction. Maybe it's just the way we once treated people. For those have come to follow Christ, maybe it's your old way of life in general. In any case, these are things that, at some point, plague us regularly. Later on when we break free of their hold, we may wish we could forget them altogether and not have to face the guilt of them again. However, in many cases we sometimes do look back and feel that old familiar pain. We may fall into these things we regret, or we may just feel guilty or ashamed. This is not enjoyable at all. No more than a headache is enjoyable.

However, while we may wish to abolish these painful memories, perhaps they do serve some purpose. Sometimes it takes a hint of pain to remind us that we no longer have a headache every day, that we've been free. If we never feel anything, we might take for granted just how awesome it's been to live headache free. Similarly, perhaps those memories can help us to better appreciate how far God has brought us, how much freer we have become. That's not to say that living in guilt and shame for past mistakes is good or advantageous; rather, perhaps remembering the way we used to be can bolden the contrast between today and yesterday, helping us to see just how much God has really done in us.

Again, this is a VERY weak and possibly confusing analogy..but I don't know, it's just a thought.

A Letter You'll Never Read

So..I guess I have something to add to my list of things I feel like I'll never understand. I guess it's the idea that your child could feel like an orphan after losing her dad. While you're still here. Do you really not care when she cries? I know that you were hurt..have been hurt too..or I know at least that's what you say. I can't judge your heart by your actions, though your words tell a lot. But I am sorry for what you've been through..if you've felt too far gone, lonely, ignored, unloved. But how could you blame her, HOW? How can you see her hurting and not comfort her..and not only that, but do things to hurt her more? I see her cry and want her to feel better, even though some pains maybe just linger on this side of eternity. You barely see her, you push her away and tear her down for no good reason? Is this your subtle attack, mean little jabs at a hurting heart? Or do you really not know what you do?

These are words I sometimes wish to say to you, things I'd like answers for. You'll probably never hear a word of it, because what good would come? Hurting you like you hurt her? That's not my job, and it's not worth it; what good would that possibly bring? And this..family? doesn't need more of this, not more hurtful words and division. And this would only probably lead to division, because I sort of doubt you'd forgive me, and my words wouldn't stay with you. You'd probably tell who knows how many mutual acquaintances of my audacity and selfishness; and who knows what you'd even tell them I said. There's such a fine line between vengeful words and loving though painful truth. If I could speak and help heal this I would, but I don't know if it's my place to try, or if I could even trust myself to try. And it's not mine to avenge.

Despite all this..despite what you've done..I can't pretend you've never shown love, at least love in your own way. And this is hard, because I feel bad for feeling towards you what I do sometimes, especially when you show your brighter colors. But then it hits me: I should feel bad for not loving you, and not because of the better days with you. 

I feel justified in not loving someone who hurts someone I love..but I KNOW that I'm not. And the more I know this, the less I'm starting to FEEL justified. Because there is Someone I have hurt many times, Who I still hurt sometimes. I hurt people He loves too, more than I care to admit. And He is my own Father.

But He has always loved me, enough that He would give His only and perfect Son's life to save mine, knowing all the evil I would ever do. And His Son willingly died for me to save me from all that, then He rose again that I may be free and live with Him forever. And knowing this, I still mess up all the time..and He STILL loves me and shows me mercy again and again. So knowing this, I can't help but know that I have to love you too..because how can I not love when I have less reason not to than He does. He loves me, so I can't NOT love you. He shows me mercy beyond measure, so how can I not be merciful to you out of my love for Him and appreciation for all He's done.

So then, despite all we go through, all the hurt you've caused..I will love you. Because the truth is that I am NOT better than you, and my Father loves me. And want to something else? My Father loves you too. More than I do. More than you can probably understand. And He wants you to know that and to love Him back as His child. Doesn't matter what you've done, He knows you've fallen and He wants you to know and follow Him still. I want you to know Him too, because He deserves your love and because knowing His love will change your life in ways you can't imagine. He can give you the peace and fulfillment you've sought for your whole life. Come to Him, from wherever you are. Love Him, follow Him, and He will not turn you away.

Worst of Both Worlds: The Semi-Perfectionist

At some point in my school career, I think maybe middle school, I can remember a teacher telling my mom at a conference that I was a perfectionist. Off and on since I suppose I have more or less accepted that. However, it hit me today that there may be a just a little bit less truth to that label that I've ever imagined. As is often case in life..or at least in my life, object lessons seem to arise at the most random times. Of course, it could just be that I am overly yet selectively analytical;)

Anyway, I was thinking driving home today about a particular circumstance in my life in which I really seem hung up on wanting what the world says I should have. I'm not prone to this with regard to all things, but sometimes the world's way seems just benign enough to lead me to wonder if maybe it could work out ok..(of course, sometimes I also just want what is obviously wrong. THAT is another story) But yes, this particular situation has been on my heart quite a bit off and on over the summer. Today I'm feeling especially like I'm standing in this battle, but doing little else. I feel like if I tried to just stop dwelling on this, pursuing things to honor my Lord, I might just end up hurting anyway; maybe I'd grow weary of actually fighting and I wouldn't get anywhere. That said, weak faithlessness and all..it seems that even exhaustion from defeat in battle would have to be better than just standing in the midst of it and hurting anyway. And through Him all things are possible anyway..His way is best, even when I don't know if I'll ever end up exactly where I want to be in every sense on this side of eternity.

So, this on mind and in heart, I finally arrived home to find an evaluation from my job waiting for me. My overall rating was "good" on a scale from "poor" to "outstanding." Was this a reason to worry? Not unless I haven't heard about some new "fire all employees below 'outstanding' policy" at work. But was I fully content with it? No way.

Moments later the thought hit me: I am determined to score as high as I can, to do as well as possible, in essentially every trivial (or at least relatively trivial) thing I attempt, and yet when it comes to bigger things, I'll totally settle for the "good" instead of shooting for "outstanding." Now how in the world does that make sense?

Maybe it's because my "bigger things" seem to involve more uncertainty and patience. Maybe I feel like I should be able to do better with fairly insignificant, but so desire reassurance that I can be ok in the bigger things that I'll grasp at good instead of waiting for an outstanding that takes a long time..or perhaps even my own version of "outstanding" that may or may not ever come. Whatever the case, I found it an interesting..paradox? I really should remember high school vocab a little better than this.. It doesn't make sense to me to be so inconsistent. I wish I could maintain this inconsistency in a different way: I wish I would easily ignore the world's "good" while being content with my best, whatever it may be, in the trivial areas. But regardless of my tendencies, I want to fight to the point of weariness if that's what it takes. But hey, since when is it about how far I get on my strength anyway? If I am supposed to follow Jesus, than He will give me enough strength to do it when I'm weak. He is a loving God; our Father isn't some cruel dictator who wants us to obey even though we are weak but will not empower us to do it. If we will love Him enough to obey, I believe He will gladly help us. He's overcome the world, His strength is way more than enough to overcome our battles.

^~When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. ¹⁸Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in^[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."~

                                                                                                          Matthew 28:17-20