Why Me? [In the Most Confused and Appreciative Sense of the Question]

Ever wonder what makes you different from somebody else? Not like, hair, eyes, skin, physical stuff; not even things like background and personality..though this is closer to what I mean. Like, have you ever been able to identify with someone on so many levels--thoughts, feelings, responses in some areas--and yet you end up taking very different paths in life? A friend and I seem to have more in common than some might guess..to the point where it kind of scares me sometimes. And yet, confronted even with some of the same life choices, we do different things. Why? I feel some of what she does, and her apparent thought process seems at time to parallel what mine is or would be in the situation. But somehow, I don't do what she does. I'm not perfect, but why do I have the strength to do at least *some* of the hard things? I know my Father (though I long to know Him so, so much more), and I have a family who truly loves and supports me more than they "have to." She used to say she knew Him, but now she doesn't. It's so sad for me to see, but I don't know what to do. As fallen as I've felt at times, I'll never quit, I'll never walk away. But WHY? I'm not better, I don't think I'm exceedingly strong..but I'm , even at my weakest, determined somehow. I don't understand..but I'm thankful..and I want to know Him more and be used. 


Maybe He'd use me to reach her..somehow. I've tried so much, but she doesn't need ME. She needs HIM. I hope she truly comes to see that..but only He could really say where she is now. I don't know what keeps me from giving up while someone seemingly so similar to me openly walks away..but I won't give up on her, or on me..because, for whatever reason, I feel like He hasn't given up on me..




~Don't you know son that I love you? And I don't care where you've been? Please come home..~

"Because His Daughter was Real..."

Back to young adult group tonight; it was nice. Got to chat with an old friend from work/school who I don't see much, plus got to be with some other friends. We watched a video and had a discussion that were pretty impactful. The video showed the funeral of a man who died from a heart attack after spending his last few years living hardcore for Christ. Person after person talked about him and the loving, big things he'd done for them. One of them was a teenage girl who had met him at a shelter. She had thought his kindness must be fake, that he seemed to good to be true or something, like it had to just be an act. But ultimately, impacted by her dad's love, the man's daughter had come to care for and humbly reach out to the girl, apologize for previously treating her badly. The girl said something like, "I knew her father was real because his daughter was real, and through him I knew that the Lord was real." This line possibly struck me more than anything else in the video--and it was a very powerful video.

Would anybody "know my Father is real because I'm real?" I feel like people who know me most would say I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, that kind of stuff. I'd say most people who kind of know me would say I'm at least nice, kind of the "good girl" type, whatever you want to call it. Some who don't know me would probably say I'm Christian purely because they know I belong to a Christian group on campus (some I tell, some just seem to know..one of the creepy joys of being moderately involved in student gov). But how much could anybody look at me and say, "Wow, there HAS to be some truth to that God she believes in..nothing else explains the love this girl has for people." I don't really know, maybe this would never be the case for everybody who knows me. But shouldn't there be more reality to this than there is now? Being a nice person, even a VERY nice person, has nothing on being a true follower, an otherwise messed up person whose deep, lived-out love can only be explained by a greater power..by an even more loving and perfect God.

I have so much stuff going on/that will possibly be going on soon..and I'm not sure what living like I'm talking about here looks like in all cases. One of my closest friends is going through some serious mental stuff..I'm concerned for her safety..I don't want to say more than that on here. I know she needs help beyond what she really wants..what can I do? what SHOULD I do?  I've just been appointed service director for an honor society I'm a part of; I want to use this position to honor God in major ways, but what specifically does THAT look like? How much can I even do in this kind of group?  I juggle school, friends, family (including a younger sister that I haven't been there for enough in recent years)..what does a good balance of these and other things even look like? I WANT to know..I just don't fully. I hope in time I will..

"Let the songs, I sing, bring praise to You. Let the words I say confess my love. Let the notes, I choose, be Your favorite tune. Father, let my heart be after You."

The Older I Get..

Maybe I'm overthinking, maybe not..but could it be that someone I thought loved me and was my friend is actually mad at me for something that, as far as I can tell, is actually not something that should warrant anger. You said you loved me and built me up so much..I told you things seriously almost no one knows..and now you won't even respond to a quick email when I try to see if things are ok? Part of me knows your busy, but part of me knows you have time for lots of other people. What did I do? Maybe you're just tired of me like I thought you should've been forever ago, I don't know. But I'm pretty hurt:/ I don't want to be immature, I just want to know what I did to make a friend walk away so easily and not even care to talk about it.I don't know how to talk to you now..when is it ok to confront? when do I just leave it with said person and give up?


I'm starting to reconsider a lot..like, maybe I need to protect my heart better in friendships as well as in relationships..because hurting like this doesn't make sense. I'm not stoic. I don't try, not really. But what is it about me that seems to repel anyone who gets too close. I don't want to let certain friends as close as they want to be, because I don't want to lose them too. I'm thankful for my family..they're the only ones, it seems, who have been with me a very long time and don't love me less.


Is it weird to feel old when you're my age? I feel like it is. I feel like I should be excited, but it's just that I'm so scared and so focused on what I should be doing by now that I don't want to think too much about the future. I want to help those younger than me..but it's a struggle because it makes me feel like this chapter of my life is done and I need to move on and let others experience the cool stuff I should've done..I know how messed up it is, trust me. 


I don't know my place, I don't know me as well as I'd like. I pray there are people to walk with me as I try to find out. I know this isn't my most coherent post..but it's late and it's been a rough week, so I'm just letting my mind have it's peace here. Goodnight for now.

Don't Want Someone Who Just Wants Someone

A lot of times people will make you feel bad..like you're less, like you're missing something, because you aren't in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, a good, healthy relationship can be an amazing blessing..or at least, I assume so from what I've seen others experience. But I don't think a relationship is the end-all, beat-all accomplishment of a person's life/20s. 


People will make you feel like less for being single..but it is my contention that it can take a lot more to know how to be single than to constantly be in a relationship just because you can't handle being alone. I've seen so many people my age (and older) in recent years who seem to jump from one silly relationship to the next, with seemingly anyone who will go for it, just because they hate being single so much. Being single can be tough..very tough. But I just don't get why society (or at least our society) seems to value a relationship, [whether anyone will admit it or not] for its own sake over knowing how to be single and wait on a relationship that actually makes sense. Since when is the better person the one who does the easier thing?

"My Heart is Spoken For"

Tonight I went to a young adults' group at a friend's church. I don't always come to these things when invited, but I thought it was cool that he had taken time to actually call and invite me instead of just sending a mass fb invite; I also thought it might be fun..other than these reasons, I'm honestly not sure what specifically drew me. 


It was smallish and super laid-back, and there were a few people I knew (but wasn't SUPER close with) or had met once or twice. Not my usual ideal scene, but somehow I just liked it there right away. Not the emotionally, super high-energy kinda like that seems to be one of my two more prevalent reactions in social scenes as of late, but a more calm, peaceful kind of like. I don't know what it was exactly, but it just seemed right..not awkward, not even exciting in the sense I normally think of the word. Just..nice.


We started with some chill worship in a little brick, youthfully artistic room. Then one of the church's pastors gave a really short talk about a baker who worked hard and saw growth in his business as a result; only thing was, the baker eventually got so busy feeding his growing number of clients that he eventually stopped feeding himself, and then he couldn't keep working for awhile. It made me think of when a leader on a trip I took this summer talked to us about needing to be filled by God ourselves if we were to help fill others. It also made me think of the small group I lead..leading has felt like such a fruitless burden this semester. Maybe I need to be seeking some nourishment.


We then had a free, delicious meal together, prepared by a lady there. I am so touched to see how these people serve; they want a community for young adults to just be together, be fed in whatever way they need, and enjoy the time. No stress of paying for food or following a strict agenda. They just offer, according to gift's God's given them, things to feed us and care for us. So simple yet not so ordinary. I barely talked to a lot of them, and yet I felt loved by them.


The night ended with a video conversation led by my friend. The video was about being follower (not a fan). The Scripture used came from Matthew 19. A man in the video talked about how the young ruler's issue wasn't having money, but money having him. We talked about sacrificing for our faith, a requirement of a follower (not a fan), and about how those sacrifices sometimes feel more like badges of honor in the long-run. We also thought about things that may "have us." I didn't share it, but I think a lot of things have me. I think wanting a relationship has me, and wanting attention/acceptance has me, and wanting security has me. I started thinking more about idols in my life more a few weeks ago at a conference; I asked God to take them, breaking into tears I never felt coming. I KNOW I need to let them go, and I'm praying for God to take them. Because idols stress me out and don't fill me. Only God fills me, with His amazing love. I want to be all in, completely and wholeheartedly. I want Him to fill me so I can be used to fill others. At the end we shared prayer requests, and I asked for discernment in knowing how best to love and help a couple friends. The friend who invited me took my requests and gave me some verses to look at from Jude..and they so spoke to me in terms of these situations, it was awesome!


I left tonight feeling still peaceful. I don't even really get it, but it's nice. I just feel kind of calm and good, not really high (emotionally) or anything like I sometimes do. But I kinda like it better; I think it feels more real, more..just, more. I feel like emotional highs and lows are my norms, and while highs can be nice, I don't really like roller coasters. This happy calm is so good. I want to keep going to this group..well, true peace comes from God, not from the group specifically..but I just feel like this is a good place.


Also came home to learn that a bad situation with a friend that had me worried and praying worked out better than I may have expected. I'm so thankful.


Enjoying the peace now, praying it lasts, seeking regardless. I know Who I need. I know Who gets to have me.

Last Thursday in November..Take a Guess;)

• Jesus! Life eternal, love immeasurable, hope enduring
• A mom I can tell anything, who loves me so much and has always made me feel wanted just for me.
• A dad who works super hard to support us and pretty much never complains, who is concerned for me and cares about my safety, who helps me.
• Parents who are together after 25 years and who showed me that marriage should and can withstand arguments, hard times, etc.
• A beautiful, kind-hearted, fun, intelligent little sister who loves me for some reason
• Friends who listen to me and miss me when I'm not around and do crazy stuff like kidnapping me to do fun things on my birthday and force-feeding me ice cream after a break-up
• Laughter to the point of tears and physical pain.
• Tears as catharsis
• Music for relaxing, dancing, and relating to
• A nice house
• A running, heated car with basically functioning doors and windows
• A warm bed to sleep in and plenty of clothes
• Plenty of food and money
• Education
• Merciful, encouraging teachers and others
• Drawing, writing, and other introverted-ish means of expression/relaxation :)
• A summer in China with dear, dear friends
• Children, and getting to work with them so often
• My challenging, stressful, fun, crazy, exhausting blessing of a job
• New friends and experiences you never see coming
• The ability to learn from mistakes
• The Bible; having it, in my language, in a country where reading it's not a crime
• People who see more in me than I can.
• IVCF
• Unlimited Texting :)
• Sleep
• Staying up to late talking
• Cities
• Nature
• Sight (like sunsets and fireworks), sound (like music and thunderstorms), smell (like apple pies and crunchy dead leaves), feel (like soft blankets and squishy stress balls:)), taste (like chocolate or peppermint tea)
• Summer, fall, spring..sort of winter (snow's pretty i guess..)
• Flowers<3
• Hugs
• More than I could ever probably get all down

~Why in the world did you come after me? Thank You, thank You. Words aren't enough so for now I will say: "Thank You, thank You"~

~I have been blessed, with so much more than I deserve. To be here with the ones who love me, to love them so much it hurts..I am SO blessed<3~

Yo-yo, Whip-lash Induction, Whatever..

I guess I can appreciate a train wreck just as much as the next guy..but forgive me if I choose to sit this one out.


Really? REALLY? Why do you want to live in the same episode of this same, teenage-esque, angsty soap opera..Forgiveness? Of course! It's not easy but I'm all for it..and would be dead and hopeless without it. But I think there's something to be said for taking a [temporary?] step back from a really bad situation. In the midst of anger, hurt, immaturity--I have no words to really describe this--why do you constantly feel the need to fuel your desperate addiction to..company? with being in the presence of people you couldn't even be civil with an hour ago? NOTHING EVER GETS FIXED! I'm so done being a part of this..the frantic calls, the intense accusations, the tears the feuds the acerbic,viciously biting words, the gossip..I don't want to keep going with this when no one wants to fix it. You just want to live in the drama, gloss it over when you want a vacation in happy,plastic town, then go back. This is so not healthy, no sane person could deny it. I love you but I'm out unless I can ACTUALLY help. I don't like who I am when I get too far involved, and I know it's not helping you for me to be in this position.

Hating Gray

They say that standing by someone when things get tough--I'm talking really, REALLY bad--can be hard, that it takes a true friend to do it. But is this always the case? Is it possible that sometimes walking away can be harder? And can it ever by RIGHT to walk away when someone's really hurting? I don't know.


In general, I would say that you don't leave a friend behind when he is in his deepest state of lost and broken..but what do you do when somebody wants you to WANT to help him more than he actually wants your help? What do you do when you can never do enough, or never do "right?" What if what someone wants from you is not what's right for him, and you know it. A person who I had considered one of my closest friends has fallen into such darkness, and there is NOTHING I can do..I can pray and love and be there if said person actually wants me..but I really don't even think this person does. I've told my friend the truth..I've tried to do it lovingly..but this person needs more help than I..or anyone else she's seeking out..can give. And, it would seem, I now fall into one of two categories: either I do what this person wants, or I just don't want to deal with anything but her at her best. Neither are true. But I only, to a limited extent, know what is anymore--at least where this is concerned.


I wish I could say how it hurts me that I am not enough for you. That none of us except for one person seem to be enough for you. But more than that, I wish you knew that you really, REALLY need Jesus right now. My pride may be hurt, but I know that I'm not who you need. Would it be better if we all stepped away? Would you finally look to Him if you didn't have us to cling to, to bring down, to manipulate? Would you finally do what's good for you? I don't know I don't know I don't know! 


You were the one who used to remind me I was human when I was mad at my failures. You were the one to say you loved me and throw me surprise parties and take me under your wing when I felt new and alone in a group. How did this happen? And you know what else? I'm scared..scared because I don't want to end up like you've become..'cause as mad and worried and whatever as I get at you, I see just enough of you in me to make me wonder and worry. I don't know..maybe I'm selfish too..I don't even know my biggest worry here now. 


I wish I could talk to someone who could tell me what to do..but your story isn't mine to tell, and as it stands now, I think the only people who know enough for me to talk to can't help. 


I hope I can find answers somewhere..and even more I hope that you find THE answer. I still love you, don't ever forget.

How I Wish I Could Tell Where Your Heart's At.....

I'll begin with a warning, this intro's pretty cliche, but it's true: There are people in your life who are only with you a little while, but who you don't feel like you'll ever forget. By the time I was twenty years old, I'd lost three grandpas and a great-grandma. These losses were painful, and I still miss these grandparents so much. But they all professed faith in Jesus, and so I can at least take peace in knowing that, if they knew Him, they are in a better place, and I can see them again someday.


But what about people who leave your life by choice, and who could still be around? What about someone who leaves your life and what was once theirs because of heartache, fear, struggle, or something else? Anything else? What about someone who shows you love and friendship, then walks away without a word?


This is something that I'm struggling with now. I have..had? no, I'm still saying have, at least while I can. I have a friend who I didn't know extremely well, but who was there for me and my family in some of our happy and saddest times. He stuck with us when we lost my grandpa, when no one would have expected it of him. He was there for fun times too, celebrating with us and making me laugh. I saw him just a month ago when my parents celebrated their anniversary, and all seemed well..or maybe it didn't..not quite. I don't know now, because my memory seems visible only through the lens of what I know now. In any case, I guess it wasn't ok.


He's gone now..or maybe getting ready to leave. I only sort of know where to. And he seems to have tried to cut all ties with his life and the people here. At least the ones I know. I know something has happened, I'm not positive what. I'm all but positive he's hurting in some way, and I want so much to see or talk to him again, to know what's going on. I wish I could ask, or listen, or just have him know that I want to be his friend no matter what is going on. But I can't, because I can't find him and don't know if I ever will. The thought of this is still kind of sinking in maybe, and the weight of it increases as it does so.


I've seen loved ones hurt and been sad because I couldn't seem to help. But longing to help someone I can't even see anymore is possibly harder. For now, I guess all I can do is pray that God's love..or the feeling of it..finds him where he is, and that God, Who knows and loves him better, will take care of him..wow, I say "all I can do" as though whatever else I might do would be more effective? I suppose I can be pretty ridiculous like that. If anyone else should happen to read this at some point, I hope that you will say a quick pray for him too. Thanks,<3


I'm all out of words, there's nothing I could say to you, to take away the hurt, so let me pray you through♥


This is what I long to say to you, if I had one chance to tell you something: You are LOVED, more than you can imagine..