Sooooo i kind of have no idea what's going on in my life lately..I've been asked out by maybe six guys in the past few weeks? Really, this does NOT happen to me. It's flattering but insane and has left me with some choices to make...well, one mostly. One guy who i've now gone out with once..I'm trying to figure out where he's at in his faith. He's at LEAST cultural, but telling the difference between that and being a real Jesus follower can be hard sometimes. I'm also trying to figure out if I even want a relationship when push comes to shove. I like some of the freedom of singleness. The idea of marriage..of committing to one person on that level for the rest of my earthly life..TERRIFIES me at this point. And stressing over whether someone's mad at you or whatever as often as I have in the past is not fun. Plus...I'm..my age. I'm scared of missing a relationship I could be more sure about in the time spent in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I feel like that's a horrible way to think about it.
And all of this is coming so shortly after a particularly painful situation..like seriously, it was only January when a friend who seemed interested in me basically said "I'm attracted to some things about you.......guys are going to be interested in you because you're so this and that whether you're flirting or not......but I don't want a relationship." I was really hurt for some reason..I found a message the other day I'd sent to a close friend about how I wasn't even sure I wanted close guy friends anymore because I'd been hurt too much lately..I didn't want to feel anymore. So why these guys now? Why this guy? He has a lot of qualities I admire, but is it even possible that this could end well? We're going out again this week...which stresses me out hardcore because I don't really like the whole dating scene too much and because I feel guilty not being able to give him a straight answer about whether or not I want to try this. But I don't want to lose him either.....do I? I don't like this, I don't even know where it came from. I didn't know this guy two months ago! He was a respected friend of a friend who I'd never REALLY met. Basically a name and a face with a decent reputation. And now...this? I wasn't looking for this, not really..and HE wasn't looking for a relationship (an interesting contrast to my previous relationships, I think). I don't even know what he sees in me, or if it should matter. Sighs. It's times like this when it would be awesome if God would just tell me specifically, straight-up what to do..maybe I already know..maybe I wouldn't want that like I think I would. Idk, I'm lost.
