Headaches..

So I have felt a headache coming on off and on for awhile now..and the tiny dull pain above and to the left of my left eye is starting to become more persistent. Part of me..a LOT of me actually, finds this pretty unfortunate considering I have homework and, well, don't like headaches. However, it also hit me only hours ago that it's been awhile since I had a headache. Only months ago I got them weekly, sometimes almost daily. And for some reason it took me getting one now to remind me that I don't have them as much anymore. This, I can appreciate.

Now for the probably ridiculously bad analogy..if you'd call this an analogy.. In any case, the part of me that likes to find underlying principles and random object lessons in everyday things can't resist, so here it goes.

A lot of times there are things we've done or said in life that are like our headaches. Maybe it's addiction. Maybe it's just the way we once treated people. For those have come to follow Christ, maybe it's your old way of life in general. In any case, these are things that, at some point, plague us regularly. Later on when we break free of their hold, we may wish we could forget them altogether and not have to face the guilt of them again. However, in many cases we sometimes do look back and feel that old familiar pain. We may fall into these things we regret, or we may just feel guilty or ashamed. This is not enjoyable at all. No more than a headache is enjoyable.

However, while we may wish to abolish these painful memories, perhaps they do serve some purpose. Sometimes it takes a hint of pain to remind us that we no longer have a headache every day, that we've been free. If we never feel anything, we might take for granted just how awesome it's been to live headache free. Similarly, perhaps those memories can help us to better appreciate how far God has brought us, how much freer we have become. That's not to say that living in guilt and shame for past mistakes is good or advantageous; rather, perhaps remembering the way we used to be can bolden the contrast between today and yesterday, helping us to see just how much God has really done in us.

Again, this is a VERY weak and possibly confusing analogy..but I don't know, it's just a thought.

A Letter You'll Never Read

So..I guess I have something to add to my list of things I feel like I'll never understand. I guess it's the idea that your child could feel like an orphan after losing her dad. While you're still here. Do you really not care when she cries? I know that you were hurt..have been hurt too..or I know at least that's what you say. I can't judge your heart by your actions, though your words tell a lot. But I am sorry for what you've been through..if you've felt too far gone, lonely, ignored, unloved. But how could you blame her, HOW? How can you see her hurting and not comfort her..and not only that, but do things to hurt her more? I see her cry and want her to feel better, even though some pains maybe just linger on this side of eternity. You barely see her, you push her away and tear her down for no good reason? Is this your subtle attack, mean little jabs at a hurting heart? Or do you really not know what you do?

These are words I sometimes wish to say to you, things I'd like answers for. You'll probably never hear a word of it, because what good would come? Hurting you like you hurt her? That's not my job, and it's not worth it; what good would that possibly bring? And this..family? doesn't need more of this, not more hurtful words and division. And this would only probably lead to division, because I sort of doubt you'd forgive me, and my words wouldn't stay with you. You'd probably tell who knows how many mutual acquaintances of my audacity and selfishness; and who knows what you'd even tell them I said. There's such a fine line between vengeful words and loving though painful truth. If I could speak and help heal this I would, but I don't know if it's my place to try, or if I could even trust myself to try. And it's not mine to avenge.

Despite all this..despite what you've done..I can't pretend you've never shown love, at least love in your own way. And this is hard, because I feel bad for feeling towards you what I do sometimes, especially when you show your brighter colors. But then it hits me: I should feel bad for not loving you, and not because of the better days with you. 

I feel justified in not loving someone who hurts someone I love..but I KNOW that I'm not. And the more I know this, the less I'm starting to FEEL justified. Because there is Someone I have hurt many times, Who I still hurt sometimes. I hurt people He loves too, more than I care to admit. And He is my own Father.

But He has always loved me, enough that He would give His only and perfect Son's life to save mine, knowing all the evil I would ever do. And His Son willingly died for me to save me from all that, then He rose again that I may be free and live with Him forever. And knowing this, I still mess up all the time..and He STILL loves me and shows me mercy again and again. So knowing this, I can't help but know that I have to love you too..because how can I not love when I have less reason not to than He does. He loves me, so I can't NOT love you. He shows me mercy beyond measure, so how can I not be merciful to you out of my love for Him and appreciation for all He's done.

So then, despite all we go through, all the hurt you've caused..I will love you. Because the truth is that I am NOT better than you, and my Father loves me. And want to something else? My Father loves you too. More than I do. More than you can probably understand. And He wants you to know that and to love Him back as His child. Doesn't matter what you've done, He knows you've fallen and He wants you to know and follow Him still. I want you to know Him too, because He deserves your love and because knowing His love will change your life in ways you can't imagine. He can give you the peace and fulfillment you've sought for your whole life. Come to Him, from wherever you are. Love Him, follow Him, and He will not turn you away.