At some point in my school career, I think maybe middle school, I can remember a teacher telling my mom at a conference that I was a perfectionist. Off and on since I suppose I have more or less accepted that. However, it hit me today that there may be a just a little bit less truth to that label that I've ever imagined. As is often case in life..or at least in my life, object lessons seem to arise at the most random times. Of course, it could just be that I am overly yet selectively analytical;)
Anyway, I was thinking driving home today about a particular circumstance in my life in which I really seem hung up on wanting what the world says I should have. I'm not prone to this with regard to all things, but sometimes the world's way seems just benign enough to lead me to wonder if maybe it could work out ok..(of course, sometimes I also just want what is obviously wrong. THAT is another story) But yes, this particular situation has been on my heart quite a bit off and on over the summer. Today I'm feeling especially like I'm standing in this battle, but doing little else. I feel like if I tried to just stop dwelling on this, pursuing things to honor my Lord, I might just end up hurting anyway; maybe I'd grow weary of actually fighting and I wouldn't get anywhere. That said, weak faithlessness and all..it seems that even exhaustion from defeat in battle would have to be better than just standing in the midst of it and hurting anyway. And through Him all things are possible anyway..His way is best, even when I don't know if I'll ever end up exactly where I want to be in every sense on this side of eternity.
So, this on mind and in heart, I finally arrived home to find an evaluation from my job waiting for me. My overall rating was "good" on a scale from "poor" to "outstanding." Was this a reason to worry? Not unless I haven't heard about some new "fire all employees below 'outstanding' policy" at work. But was I fully content with it? No way.
Moments later the thought hit me: I am determined to score as high as I can, to do as well as possible, in essentially every trivial (or at least relatively trivial) thing I attempt, and yet when it comes to bigger things, I'll totally settle for the "good" instead of shooting for "outstanding." Now how in the world does that make sense?
Maybe it's because my "bigger things" seem to involve more uncertainty and patience. Maybe I feel like I should be able to do better with fairly insignificant, but so desire reassurance that I can be ok in the bigger things that I'll grasp at good instead of waiting for an outstanding that takes a long time..or perhaps even my own version of "outstanding" that may or may not ever come. Whatever the case, I found it an interesting..paradox? I really should remember high school vocab a little better than this.. It doesn't make sense to me to be so inconsistent. I wish I could maintain this inconsistency in a different way: I wish I would easily ignore the world's "good" while being content with my best, whatever it may be, in the trivial areas. But regardless of my tendencies, I want to fight to the point of weariness if that's what it takes. But hey, since when is it about how far I get on my strength anyway? If I am supposed to follow Jesus, than He will give me enough strength to do it when I'm weak. He is a loving God; our Father isn't some cruel dictator who wants us to obey even though we are weak but will not empower us to do it. If we will love Him enough to obey, I believe He will gladly help us. He's overcome the world, His strength is way more than enough to overcome our battles.
~When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."~
Matthew 28:17-20
