Why Me? [In the Most Confused and Appreciative Sense of the Question]

Ever wonder what makes you different from somebody else? Not like, hair, eyes, skin, physical stuff; not even things like background and personality..though this is closer to what I mean. Like, have you ever been able to identify with someone on so many levels--thoughts, feelings, responses in some areas--and yet you end up taking very different paths in life? A friend and I seem to have more in common than some might guess..to the point where it kind of scares me sometimes. And yet, confronted even with some of the same life choices, we do different things. Why? I feel some of what she does, and her apparent thought process seems at time to parallel what mine is or would be in the situation. But somehow, I don't do what she does. I'm not perfect, but why do I have the strength to do at least *some* of the hard things? I know my Father (though I long to know Him so, so much more), and I have a family who truly loves and supports me more than they "have to." She used to say she knew Him, but now she doesn't. It's so sad for me to see, but I don't know what to do. As fallen as I've felt at times, I'll never quit, I'll never walk away. But WHY? I'm not better, I don't think I'm exceedingly strong..but I'm , even at my weakest, determined somehow. I don't understand..but I'm thankful..and I want to know Him more and be used. 


Maybe He'd use me to reach her..somehow. I've tried so much, but she doesn't need ME. She needs HIM. I hope she truly comes to see that..but only He could really say where she is now. I don't know what keeps me from giving up while someone seemingly so similar to me openly walks away..but I won't give up on her, or on me..because, for whatever reason, I feel like He hasn't given up on me..




~Don't you know son that I love you? And I don't care where you've been? Please come home..~

"Because His Daughter was Real..."

Back to young adult group tonight; it was nice. Got to chat with an old friend from work/school who I don't see much, plus got to be with some other friends. We watched a video and had a discussion that were pretty impactful. The video showed the funeral of a man who died from a heart attack after spending his last few years living hardcore for Christ. Person after person talked about him and the loving, big things he'd done for them. One of them was a teenage girl who had met him at a shelter. She had thought his kindness must be fake, that he seemed to good to be true or something, like it had to just be an act. But ultimately, impacted by her dad's love, the man's daughter had come to care for and humbly reach out to the girl, apologize for previously treating her badly. The girl said something like, "I knew her father was real because his daughter was real, and through him I knew that the Lord was real." This line possibly struck me more than anything else in the video--and it was a very powerful video.

Would anybody "know my Father is real because I'm real?" I feel like people who know me most would say I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, that kind of stuff. I'd say most people who kind of know me would say I'm at least nice, kind of the "good girl" type, whatever you want to call it. Some who don't know me would probably say I'm Christian purely because they know I belong to a Christian group on campus (some I tell, some just seem to know..one of the creepy joys of being moderately involved in student gov). But how much could anybody look at me and say, "Wow, there HAS to be some truth to that God she believes in..nothing else explains the love this girl has for people." I don't really know, maybe this would never be the case for everybody who knows me. But shouldn't there be more reality to this than there is now? Being a nice person, even a VERY nice person, has nothing on being a true follower, an otherwise messed up person whose deep, lived-out love can only be explained by a greater power..by an even more loving and perfect God.

I have so much stuff going on/that will possibly be going on soon..and I'm not sure what living like I'm talking about here looks like in all cases. One of my closest friends is going through some serious mental stuff..I'm concerned for her safety..I don't want to say more than that on here. I know she needs help beyond what she really wants..what can I do? what SHOULD I do?  I've just been appointed service director for an honor society I'm a part of; I want to use this position to honor God in major ways, but what specifically does THAT look like? How much can I even do in this kind of group?  I juggle school, friends, family (including a younger sister that I haven't been there for enough in recent years)..what does a good balance of these and other things even look like? I WANT to know..I just don't fully. I hope in time I will..

"Let the songs, I sing, bring praise to You. Let the words I say confess my love. Let the notes, I choose, be Your favorite tune. Father, let my heart be after You."

The Older I Get..

Maybe I'm overthinking, maybe not..but could it be that someone I thought loved me and was my friend is actually mad at me for something that, as far as I can tell, is actually not something that should warrant anger. You said you loved me and built me up so much..I told you things seriously almost no one knows..and now you won't even respond to a quick email when I try to see if things are ok? Part of me knows your busy, but part of me knows you have time for lots of other people. What did I do? Maybe you're just tired of me like I thought you should've been forever ago, I don't know. But I'm pretty hurt:/ I don't want to be immature, I just want to know what I did to make a friend walk away so easily and not even care to talk about it.I don't know how to talk to you now..when is it ok to confront? when do I just leave it with said person and give up?


I'm starting to reconsider a lot..like, maybe I need to protect my heart better in friendships as well as in relationships..because hurting like this doesn't make sense. I'm not stoic. I don't try, not really. But what is it about me that seems to repel anyone who gets too close. I don't want to let certain friends as close as they want to be, because I don't want to lose them too. I'm thankful for my family..they're the only ones, it seems, who have been with me a very long time and don't love me less.


Is it weird to feel old when you're my age? I feel like it is. I feel like I should be excited, but it's just that I'm so scared and so focused on what I should be doing by now that I don't want to think too much about the future. I want to help those younger than me..but it's a struggle because it makes me feel like this chapter of my life is done and I need to move on and let others experience the cool stuff I should've done..I know how messed up it is, trust me. 


I don't know my place, I don't know me as well as I'd like. I pray there are people to walk with me as I try to find out. I know this isn't my most coherent post..but it's late and it's been a rough week, so I'm just letting my mind have it's peace here. Goodnight for now.

Don't Want Someone Who Just Wants Someone

A lot of times people will make you feel bad..like you're less, like you're missing something, because you aren't in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, a good, healthy relationship can be an amazing blessing..or at least, I assume so from what I've seen others experience. But I don't think a relationship is the end-all, beat-all accomplishment of a person's life/20s. 


People will make you feel like less for being single..but it is my contention that it can take a lot more to know how to be single than to constantly be in a relationship just because you can't handle being alone. I've seen so many people my age (and older) in recent years who seem to jump from one silly relationship to the next, with seemingly anyone who will go for it, just because they hate being single so much. Being single can be tough..very tough. But I just don't get why society (or at least our society) seems to value a relationship, [whether anyone will admit it or not] for its own sake over knowing how to be single and wait on a relationship that actually makes sense. Since when is the better person the one who does the easier thing?

"My Heart is Spoken For"

Tonight I went to a young adults' group at a friend's church. I don't always come to these things when invited, but I thought it was cool that he had taken time to actually call and invite me instead of just sending a mass fb invite; I also thought it might be fun..other than these reasons, I'm honestly not sure what specifically drew me. 


It was smallish and super laid-back, and there were a few people I knew (but wasn't SUPER close with) or had met once or twice. Not my usual ideal scene, but somehow I just liked it there right away. Not the emotionally, super high-energy kinda like that seems to be one of my two more prevalent reactions in social scenes as of late, but a more calm, peaceful kind of like. I don't know what it was exactly, but it just seemed right..not awkward, not even exciting in the sense I normally think of the word. Just..nice.


We started with some chill worship in a little brick, youthfully artistic room. Then one of the church's pastors gave a really short talk about a baker who worked hard and saw growth in his business as a result; only thing was, the baker eventually got so busy feeding his growing number of clients that he eventually stopped feeding himself, and then he couldn't keep working for awhile. It made me think of when a leader on a trip I took this summer talked to us about needing to be filled by God ourselves if we were to help fill others. It also made me think of the small group I lead..leading has felt like such a fruitless burden this semester. Maybe I need to be seeking some nourishment.


We then had a free, delicious meal together, prepared by a lady there. I am so touched to see how these people serve; they want a community for young adults to just be together, be fed in whatever way they need, and enjoy the time. No stress of paying for food or following a strict agenda. They just offer, according to gift's God's given them, things to feed us and care for us. So simple yet not so ordinary. I barely talked to a lot of them, and yet I felt loved by them.


The night ended with a video conversation led by my friend. The video was about being follower (not a fan). The Scripture used came from Matthew 19. A man in the video talked about how the young ruler's issue wasn't having money, but money having him. We talked about sacrificing for our faith, a requirement of a follower (not a fan), and about how those sacrifices sometimes feel more like badges of honor in the long-run. We also thought about things that may "have us." I didn't share it, but I think a lot of things have me. I think wanting a relationship has me, and wanting attention/acceptance has me, and wanting security has me. I started thinking more about idols in my life more a few weeks ago at a conference; I asked God to take them, breaking into tears I never felt coming. I KNOW I need to let them go, and I'm praying for God to take them. Because idols stress me out and don't fill me. Only God fills me, with His amazing love. I want to be all in, completely and wholeheartedly. I want Him to fill me so I can be used to fill others. At the end we shared prayer requests, and I asked for discernment in knowing how best to love and help a couple friends. The friend who invited me took my requests and gave me some verses to look at from Jude..and they so spoke to me in terms of these situations, it was awesome!


I left tonight feeling still peaceful. I don't even really get it, but it's nice. I just feel kind of calm and good, not really high (emotionally) or anything like I sometimes do. But I kinda like it better; I think it feels more real, more..just, more. I feel like emotional highs and lows are my norms, and while highs can be nice, I don't really like roller coasters. This happy calm is so good. I want to keep going to this group..well, true peace comes from God, not from the group specifically..but I just feel like this is a good place.


Also came home to learn that a bad situation with a friend that had me worried and praying worked out better than I may have expected. I'm so thankful.


Enjoying the peace now, praying it lasts, seeking regardless. I know Who I need. I know Who gets to have me.