Growing up!

Starting to see that I've wasted a ton of time getting too caught up in silly things that do nothing for my walk with Christ..or anybody else's. I get caught up in stupid little controversial things that arent real issues and don't involve me serving Christ in any way..it doesnt matter if I'm even in the right or not. I'm seeing more and more all the time what following Christ entails..not always in the specific, day-to-day stuff, but in the general, life-encompassing idea. I fall so short and really want to change. These minor stupid things dont even make me feel good in the long run. I want to be more wholeheartedly devoted to growing and serving.

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. ²³ Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorantcontroversies; you know that they breed quarrels. ²⁴ And the Lord's servant^[e] must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone,able to teach, patiently enduring evil, ²⁵ correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."  ~2Timothy 2:22-6


I'm not sure, but I feel like these verses may be more referring to types of controversies that are different from what I face..but it still seems like a good principal all the same.

Accountability..

Two of my best friends recently decided to hold me accountable..they think I have an issue with putting myself down too much, and now every weekend I have to write one positive thing about me for ever negative thing I say. This feels awkward :P Oh well, here ya go, guys:

1) I like my eyes.
2) I am sensitive to people's feelings..at least in general.
3) I like my smile.
4) I can make people laugh/smile sometimes.
5) I can put on a confident, outgoing attitude when I really want to.
6) I take responsibilities seriously.
7) I make it a point not to judge people based on where they're from.
8) I have random good..or at least fun ideas sometimes.
9) I can read people decently well.

"Jesus Hold Me Now"

I usually try to find more mysterious and/or interesting ways of putting things..but it's almost 4am and it's been too hard a day so I don't care. I hate cancer! I've been crying off and on for a few days now. I can't understand why one of my best friends in the world, one of the most spiritually solid guys I know, has to have cancer. I thought he was ok now. But we just learned things are more serious now..the treatment is more intense now. I only have about a week and a half before he has to be admitted to the hospital and we may not be face to face again for a long time (Even with the best possible outcome). I feel so sad off and on that I don't know how to just do normal life. I want to be there to talk or whatever he needs til he has to go. And I'm scared things will turn out horribly. They may not, but I'm still sad for all He'll face.

I know God has this though..nothings out of His control. And I know God's way is best..His justice, His plans..all perfect. Beyond what I could ever understand. I just wish I could understand for now..more important, I wish my friend could. But I feel bad for asking "Why him, God?", as if I'm saying I know better or God has done something wrong. Neither of those is true at all, I know. It's just all I can seem to wonder at brief times. I pray He can have mercy on my weakness here.

So I'll just keep praying..for my friend more than anything: for healing, for strengthened (not shaken) faith, for unimaginable peace, for the feeling of his loving Father's embrace. And, to a lesser degree, for us..the people who love him. To know how to care for someone kind of out of reach. To not lose hope. To be able to keep going on when we need to.


~~Give me the faith, to believe in these hard times~~
Through God are ALL things possible.

That Crazy Four-Letter Word..Sighs.

So I'm now apparently at THAT age. The age where everybody's getting in super lovey cutesy relationships, getting engaged, and married happily ever after in rapid succession. Aside from getting used to the numbers of single friends dwindling, I'm starting to try to figure out something else..why am I not like these people?

As misleading as the intro was, I'm actually in a relationship right now. He's a really decent guy; Christian (that's a must for me), kind, generous..just a nice guy. But in terms of our relationship, I have no desire to be like the dating friends we know. I don't want to be together EVERY second. I don't want to walk around when we're with groups of our friends (most of whom were actually my friends first..at the more than risk of sounding super immature and petty:/). I don't want to post all over facebook about us doing things together and about how I have sweetest most amazing boyfriend in the whole world. And while I'm not at all ashamed to be dating him, I still wanna be known and seen as more than his girlfriend. Oh and the thought of marriage? Still freaking me out; I couldnt agree to it right now.

So this leads me to wonder: do I just have a different personality than most girls at this stage in life..or do I actually love this guy at all. Should I even be dating him? I wish I knew..I don't want to dump him unless I know I have to, he's been with me through quite a bit. But I just don't know anymore:/

One of My Most Hated Words..Ever.

Well, I know why people going through tragic things so often say that they just take it one day at a time..because sometimes it's all you can do. Thinking ahead is scary, because without knowing what's there, the imagination is left to do as it will..which can be even worse than the truth. And sometimes even sticking to what you are MOST sure is to come seems overwhelming..like going through the ordinary day-to-day things feels like more than you can bare. This is the only time I've said this in print form, since I don't want to spread news to others via text, facebook, or many other common means of the times: My close friend has cancer. 


My age. 


Out of what felt like nowhere..or at least nowhere I had anticipated could lead to this. 


He'd had chest pains..I'd told him to go to the doctor, but I never knew it could be cancer. If I had, would I have pushed harder? Would he have listened? I don't know, it's all feeling real I guess..I mean, I broke down crying when he told me, so can I even deny ever feeling the reality? And yet in the midst of the real, it still feels almost surreal. I try to feel better by getting distracted, by helping those at a given moment who are holding up worse than me, by thinking with our friends of ways to love and care for him and his family. I'm doing better I guess..it's been a few days since I learned. I can tell people without crying now. And he might be ok. He REALLY might be. He's young and stubborn with strong faith, and we serve a God who can raise the dead. I wish my emotions got all this as well as my brain does. I just dont want him in the hospital where we can't see him anymore, and I dont want him sick from chemo or feeling lonely or scared..though praise God, he seems ok so far, and God really, truly is faithful. 


When I get distracted I'm ok. When I talk to him (text, because we can't go where he is for now), it's so bitter sweet. I smile as we joke like always, as he gives me advice and encouragement, as I balance encouragement with telling him I'm humoring him as he gives me a hard time about things because he's hospitalized, and that he'd better get out soon because I need someone to drag me to social things I don't want to go to (something we've both done to each other in the past). But no matter how upbeat he seems, I feel the sadness, even just a hint, creep in knowing what he's going through all the while and that I couldnt get to him if i wanted to.


It could be a long battle..this is one of the saddest things I think I've ever felt..but I feel selfish..how must he be feeling right now?? All I can do is pray and love him and try to care for our other friends and for his family now. No good comes from just being sad.


Still pretty confident that no one has really read this blog except me and MAYBE one or two others (and they've only seen part(s))..but in case I'm wrong, if you could say a quick prayer, I'd be so grateful. Thanks<3






Praying for you, MB.

Band-aids

At work the other day, one of our little boys was playing when we noticed that he had a bloody elbow. I hadn't seemed to notice, but it needed to be cleaned up anyway. I carried him inside, and he acted completely fine, still cheerful and all. However, when I started to gently clean his arm, he began to cry and say "No, no!" I tried distracting him by pulling out the colorful band-aids and asking which of the bright colors he wanted..but he just kept saying "No!" It was so sad having him cry like that, but I couldn't do anything about it; the injury had to be dealt with so it could heal well. What struck me more than his crying though was his attempts at getting away..sort of. He didnt run from me,  but rather would sort of move to my side, away from my cleaning, bandaging hands. It was like he wanted the comfort of being held while he was sad/injured, but he didn't want me to deal with the problem because it hurt too much.

This kinda made me think. I think sometimes we are like that with God (I'm not comparing myself to God. At all. I promise!) But like, I think when we're hurting and have some sort of problem, we sometimes want him to comfort us, to make us feel ok about it, but not to actually start fixing/healing us, because that actually can get painful. He wants to truly heal us; we just want to feel ok. But He loves us too much to be alright with just letting us ignore the bleeding wounds and feel better. He wants us to be better.

Maybe a week or so later, a friend of mine spoke at our college group about scars, how we have invisible ones that we want to hide, but how Jesus brings us true healing. We just have to let Him..to "want to be well." This isn't EXACTLY like my story, but it reminded me of it. Just kinda makes me think.

Isn't it nice belonging??

So I think I've basically entered a weird sort of early mid-life crisis..I'm quietly freaking out about being almost done with school, and I've developed a weird habit of going to and/or joining things that make people say, "You? Seriously?" One of these things is running for a second term on student government..with a group of people who, while they mostly ACT nice to me, I basically don't trust overall. They're unkind to my friends..and I feel like they might manipulate or not care about me at all. But they asked me to join them, and I didn't know the other guys at the time, so I figured it wouldn't matter.

Long story short, things were pretty alright until this week..campaign week. It is so intense..one over-drama situation broke out yesterday, and it was not a good day for me. I made the mistake of saying something about having a bad day on facebook..i know, i know...

Today a girl associated with.."my people"..asked if it was ok, wanted me to talk, justified, tried to reason..and i would have been fine to walk away from the conversation. But one thing that struck me was that at one point she said something like, "You've been in sg, isn't it nice to belong?"

There may be anomalies..I don't know. But ultimately I think that we as human beings have a fundamental longing to belong..to find people to embrace us, to care for and be cared for BY us, to defend us and uplift us and..all that stuff. For some people this takes the form of finding a strong, loving community..for others we find people who "love" us..even if we lose us in pursuing their acceptance. That group can be fun, but I don't like who I am with them. I wonder if they like who they are with them..or if it's just what they know..