Isn't it nice belonging??

So I think I've basically entered a weird sort of early mid-life crisis..I'm quietly freaking out about being almost done with school, and I've developed a weird habit of going to and/or joining things that make people say, "You? Seriously?" One of these things is running for a second term on student government..with a group of people who, while they mostly ACT nice to me, I basically don't trust overall. They're unkind to my friends..and I feel like they might manipulate or not care about me at all. But they asked me to join them, and I didn't know the other guys at the time, so I figured it wouldn't matter.

Long story short, things were pretty alright until this week..campaign week. It is so intense..one over-drama situation broke out yesterday, and it was not a good day for me. I made the mistake of saying something about having a bad day on facebook..i know, i know...

Today a girl associated with.."my people"..asked if it was ok, wanted me to talk, justified, tried to reason..and i would have been fine to walk away from the conversation. But one thing that struck me was that at one point she said something like, "You've been in sg, isn't it nice to belong?"

There may be anomalies..I don't know. But ultimately I think that we as human beings have a fundamental longing to belong..to find people to embrace us, to care for and be cared for BY us, to defend us and uplift us and..all that stuff. For some people this takes the form of finding a strong, loving community..for others we find people who "love" us..even if we lose us in pursuing their acceptance. That group can be fun, but I don't like who I am with them. I wonder if they like who they are with them..or if it's just what they know..

Venting Like This is Why I have a Secret-ish Blog.....

Sooooo i kind of have no idea what's going on in my life lately..I've been asked out by maybe six guys in the past few weeks? Really, this does NOT happen to me. It's flattering but insane and has left me with some choices to make...well, one mostly. One guy who i've now gone out with once..I'm trying to figure out where he's at in his faith. He's at LEAST cultural, but telling the difference between that and being a real Jesus follower can be hard sometimes. I'm also trying to figure out if I even want a relationship when push comes to shove. I like some of the freedom of singleness. The idea of marriage..of committing to one person on that level for the rest of my earthly life..TERRIFIES me at this point. And stressing over whether someone's mad at you or whatever as often as I have in the past is not fun. Plus...I'm..my age. I'm scared of missing a relationship I could be more sure about in the time spent in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I feel like that's a horrible way to think about it.


And all of this is coming so shortly after a particularly painful situation..like seriously, it was only January when a friend who seemed interested in me basically said "I'm attracted to some things about you.......guys are going to be interested in you because you're so this and that whether you're flirting or not......but I don't want a relationship." I was really hurt for some reason..I found a message the other day I'd sent to a close friend about how I wasn't even sure I wanted close guy friends anymore because I'd been hurt too much lately..I didn't want to feel anymore. So why these guys now? Why this guy? He has a lot of qualities I admire, but is it even possible that this could end well? We're going out again this week...which stresses me out hardcore because I don't really like the whole dating scene too much and because I feel guilty not being able to give him a straight answer about whether or not I want to try this. But I don't want to lose him either.....do I? I don't like this, I don't even know where it came from. I didn't know this guy two months ago! He was a respected friend of a friend who I'd never REALLY met. Basically a name and a face with a decent reputation. And now...this? I wasn't looking for this, not really..and HE wasn't looking for a relationship (an interesting contrast to my previous relationships, I think). I don't even know what he sees in me, or if it should matter. Sighs. It's times like this when it would be awesome if God would just tell me specifically, straight-up what to do..maybe I already know..maybe I wouldn't want that like I think I would. Idk, I'm lost. 

Jack Black Movies and Singleness...

"Look, I know what I am, and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who gets really good grades and is not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends..."   
   
~Rosemary, Shallow Hal


I kind of identified with this line..not perfectly, but still. And I liked the character who said it; in reality she wasn't super-model beautiful, and until the protagonist came along, she had only had one guy interested in her, and it didn't work out (she didn't stay interested in him). But she had such a kind, giving heart; she was one of the most internally beautiful people in the whole movie. And she knew herself, except for failing to see the beauty she did have.


Apart from this, I've been thinking lately..despite my frequent struggles with singlehood, I'm wondering if maybe this might not be for the best. I tend to most want a guy when I feel sad, scared, insecure..basically at times when I should be clinging to God, not to a guy. I mean, leaning on a guy could be ok, but not in place of God. He needs to be my source of comfort and strength regardless of anyone or anything else. HE needs to be my #1. I don't know how it all works for sure..but maybe me being single is happening in part to keep me from making the grave mistake of giving too much of my heart, to leaning too heavily on a man in my life. Maybe my time is later, maybe never, who knows (well, I mean, God knows..). But either way, I think I'll be ok. God is faithful. And, in a few senses, I could stand to be a little more of a pre-Hal Rosemary;)

Arthur

"Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself. And, incidentally, I love you."  


Nothing profound to say about this, just a line from some '80s movie about a ridiculous drunk and his relational misadventures. This was said to him when he was, well, feeling unloved and sorry for himself (or at least I think that was the situation..wasn't totally watching it,lol). It stuck out to me for some reason, just something I'd like to lovingly say sometimes..maybe something I could benefit from hearing at some points as well ;) Plus the matter-of-fact tone in which the character spoke it was kinda just funny x)

Boy Stories (uh-oh..)

~How do you respond when a guy says he's been praying and feels like he should pursue a relationship with you, but you're not interested..?

~What about the nice guy who you think is a friend, who asks you to "hang out," one-on-one, as in "dinner and a movie?" When the relationship isn't clearly defined, this is just plain confusing..

~Guys that go from girl to girl, reasoning that if a relationship doesn't work it just wasn't God's will, and there is no reason not to promptly move on..ugh too much logic for me.

~The guy who expresses in no uncertain terms that he is not interested in you, but still wants to listen and encourage you and tell you semi-deep stuff..ouch.

~Guys who feel slighted because girls don't give them a chance (as in, the select girls they express interest in don't give them a chance), and yet they themselves wouldn't necessarily give just any given girl a chance..

~Guys who date your best friend, and subsequently will not allow the two of you to live out your dream of running away to start a convent and live a life free of guy issues....;)

Why Me? [In the Most Confused and Appreciative Sense of the Question]

Ever wonder what makes you different from somebody else? Not like, hair, eyes, skin, physical stuff; not even things like background and personality..though this is closer to what I mean. Like, have you ever been able to identify with someone on so many levels--thoughts, feelings, responses in some areas--and yet you end up taking very different paths in life? A friend and I seem to have more in common than some might guess..to the point where it kind of scares me sometimes. And yet, confronted even with some of the same life choices, we do different things. Why? I feel some of what she does, and her apparent thought process seems at time to parallel what mine is or would be in the situation. But somehow, I don't do what she does. I'm not perfect, but why do I have the strength to do at least *some* of the hard things? I know my Father (though I long to know Him so, so much more), and I have a family who truly loves and supports me more than they "have to." She used to say she knew Him, but now she doesn't. It's so sad for me to see, but I don't know what to do. As fallen as I've felt at times, I'll never quit, I'll never walk away. But WHY? I'm not better, I don't think I'm exceedingly strong..but I'm , even at my weakest, determined somehow. I don't understand..but I'm thankful..and I want to know Him more and be used. 


Maybe He'd use me to reach her..somehow. I've tried so much, but she doesn't need ME. She needs HIM. I hope she truly comes to see that..but only He could really say where she is now. I don't know what keeps me from giving up while someone seemingly so similar to me openly walks away..but I won't give up on her, or on me..because, for whatever reason, I feel like He hasn't given up on me..




~Don't you know son that I love you? And I don't care where you've been? Please come home..~

"Because His Daughter was Real..."

Back to young adult group tonight; it was nice. Got to chat with an old friend from work/school who I don't see much, plus got to be with some other friends. We watched a video and had a discussion that were pretty impactful. The video showed the funeral of a man who died from a heart attack after spending his last few years living hardcore for Christ. Person after person talked about him and the loving, big things he'd done for them. One of them was a teenage girl who had met him at a shelter. She had thought his kindness must be fake, that he seemed to good to be true or something, like it had to just be an act. But ultimately, impacted by her dad's love, the man's daughter had come to care for and humbly reach out to the girl, apologize for previously treating her badly. The girl said something like, "I knew her father was real because his daughter was real, and through him I knew that the Lord was real." This line possibly struck me more than anything else in the video--and it was a very powerful video.

Would anybody "know my Father is real because I'm real?" I feel like people who know me most would say I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, that kind of stuff. I'd say most people who kind of know me would say I'm at least nice, kind of the "good girl" type, whatever you want to call it. Some who don't know me would probably say I'm Christian purely because they know I belong to a Christian group on campus (some I tell, some just seem to know..one of the creepy joys of being moderately involved in student gov). But how much could anybody look at me and say, "Wow, there HAS to be some truth to that God she believes in..nothing else explains the love this girl has for people." I don't really know, maybe this would never be the case for everybody who knows me. But shouldn't there be more reality to this than there is now? Being a nice person, even a VERY nice person, has nothing on being a true follower, an otherwise messed up person whose deep, lived-out love can only be explained by a greater power..by an even more loving and perfect God.

I have so much stuff going on/that will possibly be going on soon..and I'm not sure what living like I'm talking about here looks like in all cases. One of my closest friends is going through some serious mental stuff..I'm concerned for her safety..I don't want to say more than that on here. I know she needs help beyond what she really wants..what can I do? what SHOULD I do?  I've just been appointed service director for an honor society I'm a part of; I want to use this position to honor God in major ways, but what specifically does THAT look like? How much can I even do in this kind of group?  I juggle school, friends, family (including a younger sister that I haven't been there for enough in recent years)..what does a good balance of these and other things even look like? I WANT to know..I just don't fully. I hope in time I will..

"Let the songs, I sing, bring praise to You. Let the words I say confess my love. Let the notes, I choose, be Your favorite tune. Father, let my heart be after You."