The Older I Get..

Maybe I'm overthinking, maybe not..but could it be that someone I thought loved me and was my friend is actually mad at me for something that, as far as I can tell, is actually not something that should warrant anger. You said you loved me and built me up so much..I told you things seriously almost no one knows..and now you won't even respond to a quick email when I try to see if things are ok? Part of me knows your busy, but part of me knows you have time for lots of other people. What did I do? Maybe you're just tired of me like I thought you should've been forever ago, I don't know. But I'm pretty hurt:/ I don't want to be immature, I just want to know what I did to make a friend walk away so easily and not even care to talk about it.I don't know how to talk to you now..when is it ok to confront? when do I just leave it with said person and give up?


I'm starting to reconsider a lot..like, maybe I need to protect my heart better in friendships as well as in relationships..because hurting like this doesn't make sense. I'm not stoic. I don't try, not really. But what is it about me that seems to repel anyone who gets too close. I don't want to let certain friends as close as they want to be, because I don't want to lose them too. I'm thankful for my family..they're the only ones, it seems, who have been with me a very long time and don't love me less.


Is it weird to feel old when you're my age? I feel like it is. I feel like I should be excited, but it's just that I'm so scared and so focused on what I should be doing by now that I don't want to think too much about the future. I want to help those younger than me..but it's a struggle because it makes me feel like this chapter of my life is done and I need to move on and let others experience the cool stuff I should've done..I know how messed up it is, trust me. 


I don't know my place, I don't know me as well as I'd like. I pray there are people to walk with me as I try to find out. I know this isn't my most coherent post..but it's late and it's been a rough week, so I'm just letting my mind have it's peace here. Goodnight for now.