"My Heart is Spoken For"

Tonight I went to a young adults' group at a friend's church. I don't always come to these things when invited, but I thought it was cool that he had taken time to actually call and invite me instead of just sending a mass fb invite; I also thought it might be fun..other than these reasons, I'm honestly not sure what specifically drew me. 


It was smallish and super laid-back, and there were a few people I knew (but wasn't SUPER close with) or had met once or twice. Not my usual ideal scene, but somehow I just liked it there right away. Not the emotionally, super high-energy kinda like that seems to be one of my two more prevalent reactions in social scenes as of late, but a more calm, peaceful kind of like. I don't know what it was exactly, but it just seemed right..not awkward, not even exciting in the sense I normally think of the word. Just..nice.


We started with some chill worship in a little brick, youthfully artistic room. Then one of the church's pastors gave a really short talk about a baker who worked hard and saw growth in his business as a result; only thing was, the baker eventually got so busy feeding his growing number of clients that he eventually stopped feeding himself, and then he couldn't keep working for awhile. It made me think of when a leader on a trip I took this summer talked to us about needing to be filled by God ourselves if we were to help fill others. It also made me think of the small group I lead..leading has felt like such a fruitless burden this semester. Maybe I need to be seeking some nourishment.


We then had a free, delicious meal together, prepared by a lady there. I am so touched to see how these people serve; they want a community for young adults to just be together, be fed in whatever way they need, and enjoy the time. No stress of paying for food or following a strict agenda. They just offer, according to gift's God's given them, things to feed us and care for us. So simple yet not so ordinary. I barely talked to a lot of them, and yet I felt loved by them.


The night ended with a video conversation led by my friend. The video was about being follower (not a fan). The Scripture used came from Matthew 19. A man in the video talked about how the young ruler's issue wasn't having money, but money having him. We talked about sacrificing for our faith, a requirement of a follower (not a fan), and about how those sacrifices sometimes feel more like badges of honor in the long-run. We also thought about things that may "have us." I didn't share it, but I think a lot of things have me. I think wanting a relationship has me, and wanting attention/acceptance has me, and wanting security has me. I started thinking more about idols in my life more a few weeks ago at a conference; I asked God to take them, breaking into tears I never felt coming. I KNOW I need to let them go, and I'm praying for God to take them. Because idols stress me out and don't fill me. Only God fills me, with His amazing love. I want to be all in, completely and wholeheartedly. I want Him to fill me so I can be used to fill others. At the end we shared prayer requests, and I asked for discernment in knowing how best to love and help a couple friends. The friend who invited me took my requests and gave me some verses to look at from Jude..and they so spoke to me in terms of these situations, it was awesome!


I left tonight feeling still peaceful. I don't even really get it, but it's nice. I just feel kind of calm and good, not really high (emotionally) or anything like I sometimes do. But I kinda like it better; I think it feels more real, more..just, more. I feel like emotional highs and lows are my norms, and while highs can be nice, I don't really like roller coasters. This happy calm is so good. I want to keep going to this group..well, true peace comes from God, not from the group specifically..but I just feel like this is a good place.


Also came home to learn that a bad situation with a friend that had me worried and praying worked out better than I may have expected. I'm so thankful.


Enjoying the peace now, praying it lasts, seeking regardless. I know Who I need. I know Who gets to have me.

Last Thursday in November..Take a Guess;)

• Jesus! Life eternal, love immeasurable, hope enduring
• A mom I can tell anything, who loves me so much and has always made me feel wanted just for me.
• A dad who works super hard to support us and pretty much never complains, who is concerned for me and cares about my safety, who helps me.
• Parents who are together after 25 years and who showed me that marriage should and can withstand arguments, hard times, etc.
• A beautiful, kind-hearted, fun, intelligent little sister who loves me for some reason
• Friends who listen to me and miss me when I'm not around and do crazy stuff like kidnapping me to do fun things on my birthday and force-feeding me ice cream after a break-up
• Laughter to the point of tears and physical pain.
• Tears as catharsis
• Music for relaxing, dancing, and relating to
• A nice house
• A running, heated car with basically functioning doors and windows
• A warm bed to sleep in and plenty of clothes
• Plenty of food and money
• Education
• Merciful, encouraging teachers and others
• Drawing, writing, and other introverted-ish means of expression/relaxation :)
• A summer in China with dear, dear friends
• Children, and getting to work with them so often
• My challenging, stressful, fun, crazy, exhausting blessing of a job
• New friends and experiences you never see coming
• The ability to learn from mistakes
• The Bible; having it, in my language, in a country where reading it's not a crime
• People who see more in me than I can.
• IVCF
• Unlimited Texting :)
• Sleep
• Staying up to late talking
• Cities
• Nature
• Sight (like sunsets and fireworks), sound (like music and thunderstorms), smell (like apple pies and crunchy dead leaves), feel (like soft blankets and squishy stress balls:)), taste (like chocolate or peppermint tea)
• Summer, fall, spring..sort of winter (snow's pretty i guess..)
• Flowers<3
• Hugs
• More than I could ever probably get all down

~Why in the world did you come after me? Thank You, thank You. Words aren't enough so for now I will say: "Thank You, thank You"~

~I have been blessed, with so much more than I deserve. To be here with the ones who love me, to love them so much it hurts..I am SO blessed<3~

Yo-yo, Whip-lash Induction, Whatever..

I guess I can appreciate a train wreck just as much as the next guy..but forgive me if I choose to sit this one out.


Really? REALLY? Why do you want to live in the same episode of this same, teenage-esque, angsty soap opera..Forgiveness? Of course! It's not easy but I'm all for it..and would be dead and hopeless without it. But I think there's something to be said for taking a [temporary?] step back from a really bad situation. In the midst of anger, hurt, immaturity--I have no words to really describe this--why do you constantly feel the need to fuel your desperate addiction to..company? with being in the presence of people you couldn't even be civil with an hour ago? NOTHING EVER GETS FIXED! I'm so done being a part of this..the frantic calls, the intense accusations, the tears the feuds the acerbic,viciously biting words, the gossip..I don't want to keep going with this when no one wants to fix it. You just want to live in the drama, gloss it over when you want a vacation in happy,plastic town, then go back. This is so not healthy, no sane person could deny it. I love you but I'm out unless I can ACTUALLY help. I don't like who I am when I get too far involved, and I know it's not helping you for me to be in this position.

Hating Gray

They say that standing by someone when things get tough--I'm talking really, REALLY bad--can be hard, that it takes a true friend to do it. But is this always the case? Is it possible that sometimes walking away can be harder? And can it ever by RIGHT to walk away when someone's really hurting? I don't know.


In general, I would say that you don't leave a friend behind when he is in his deepest state of lost and broken..but what do you do when somebody wants you to WANT to help him more than he actually wants your help? What do you do when you can never do enough, or never do "right?" What if what someone wants from you is not what's right for him, and you know it. A person who I had considered one of my closest friends has fallen into such darkness, and there is NOTHING I can do..I can pray and love and be there if said person actually wants me..but I really don't even think this person does. I've told my friend the truth..I've tried to do it lovingly..but this person needs more help than I..or anyone else she's seeking out..can give. And, it would seem, I now fall into one of two categories: either I do what this person wants, or I just don't want to deal with anything but her at her best. Neither are true. But I only, to a limited extent, know what is anymore--at least where this is concerned.


I wish I could say how it hurts me that I am not enough for you. That none of us except for one person seem to be enough for you. But more than that, I wish you knew that you really, REALLY need Jesus right now. My pride may be hurt, but I know that I'm not who you need. Would it be better if we all stepped away? Would you finally look to Him if you didn't have us to cling to, to bring down, to manipulate? Would you finally do what's good for you? I don't know I don't know I don't know! 


You were the one who used to remind me I was human when I was mad at my failures. You were the one to say you loved me and throw me surprise parties and take me under your wing when I felt new and alone in a group. How did this happen? And you know what else? I'm scared..scared because I don't want to end up like you've become..'cause as mad and worried and whatever as I get at you, I see just enough of you in me to make me wonder and worry. I don't know..maybe I'm selfish too..I don't even know my biggest worry here now. 


I wish I could talk to someone who could tell me what to do..but your story isn't mine to tell, and as it stands now, I think the only people who know enough for me to talk to can't help. 


I hope I can find answers somewhere..and even more I hope that you find THE answer. I still love you, don't ever forget.

How I Wish I Could Tell Where Your Heart's At.....

I'll begin with a warning, this intro's pretty cliche, but it's true: There are people in your life who are only with you a little while, but who you don't feel like you'll ever forget. By the time I was twenty years old, I'd lost three grandpas and a great-grandma. These losses were painful, and I still miss these grandparents so much. But they all professed faith in Jesus, and so I can at least take peace in knowing that, if they knew Him, they are in a better place, and I can see them again someday.


But what about people who leave your life by choice, and who could still be around? What about someone who leaves your life and what was once theirs because of heartache, fear, struggle, or something else? Anything else? What about someone who shows you love and friendship, then walks away without a word?


This is something that I'm struggling with now. I have..had? no, I'm still saying have, at least while I can. I have a friend who I didn't know extremely well, but who was there for me and my family in some of our happy and saddest times. He stuck with us when we lost my grandpa, when no one would have expected it of him. He was there for fun times too, celebrating with us and making me laugh. I saw him just a month ago when my parents celebrated their anniversary, and all seemed well..or maybe it didn't..not quite. I don't know now, because my memory seems visible only through the lens of what I know now. In any case, I guess it wasn't ok.


He's gone now..or maybe getting ready to leave. I only sort of know where to. And he seems to have tried to cut all ties with his life and the people here. At least the ones I know. I know something has happened, I'm not positive what. I'm all but positive he's hurting in some way, and I want so much to see or talk to him again, to know what's going on. I wish I could ask, or listen, or just have him know that I want to be his friend no matter what is going on. But I can't, because I can't find him and don't know if I ever will. The thought of this is still kind of sinking in maybe, and the weight of it increases as it does so.


I've seen loved ones hurt and been sad because I couldn't seem to help. But longing to help someone I can't even see anymore is possibly harder. For now, I guess all I can do is pray that God's love..or the feeling of it..finds him where he is, and that God, Who knows and loves him better, will take care of him..wow, I say "all I can do" as though whatever else I might do would be more effective? I suppose I can be pretty ridiculous like that. If anyone else should happen to read this at some point, I hope that you will say a quick pray for him too. Thanks,<3


I'm all out of words, there's nothing I could say to you, to take away the hurt, so let me pray you through♥


This is what I long to say to you, if I had one chance to tell you something: You are LOVED, more than you can imagine..

Headaches..

So I have felt a headache coming on off and on for awhile now..and the tiny dull pain above and to the left of my left eye is starting to become more persistent. Part of me..a LOT of me actually, finds this pretty unfortunate considering I have homework and, well, don't like headaches. However, it also hit me only hours ago that it's been awhile since I had a headache. Only months ago I got them weekly, sometimes almost daily. And for some reason it took me getting one now to remind me that I don't have them as much anymore. This, I can appreciate.

Now for the probably ridiculously bad analogy..if you'd call this an analogy.. In any case, the part of me that likes to find underlying principles and random object lessons in everyday things can't resist, so here it goes.

A lot of times there are things we've done or said in life that are like our headaches. Maybe it's addiction. Maybe it's just the way we once treated people. For those have come to follow Christ, maybe it's your old way of life in general. In any case, these are things that, at some point, plague us regularly. Later on when we break free of their hold, we may wish we could forget them altogether and not have to face the guilt of them again. However, in many cases we sometimes do look back and feel that old familiar pain. We may fall into these things we regret, or we may just feel guilty or ashamed. This is not enjoyable at all. No more than a headache is enjoyable.

However, while we may wish to abolish these painful memories, perhaps they do serve some purpose. Sometimes it takes a hint of pain to remind us that we no longer have a headache every day, that we've been free. If we never feel anything, we might take for granted just how awesome it's been to live headache free. Similarly, perhaps those memories can help us to better appreciate how far God has brought us, how much freer we have become. That's not to say that living in guilt and shame for past mistakes is good or advantageous; rather, perhaps remembering the way we used to be can bolden the contrast between today and yesterday, helping us to see just how much God has really done in us.

Again, this is a VERY weak and possibly confusing analogy..but I don't know, it's just a thought.

A Letter You'll Never Read

So..I guess I have something to add to my list of things I feel like I'll never understand. I guess it's the idea that your child could feel like an orphan after losing her dad. While you're still here. Do you really not care when she cries? I know that you were hurt..have been hurt too..or I know at least that's what you say. I can't judge your heart by your actions, though your words tell a lot. But I am sorry for what you've been through..if you've felt too far gone, lonely, ignored, unloved. But how could you blame her, HOW? How can you see her hurting and not comfort her..and not only that, but do things to hurt her more? I see her cry and want her to feel better, even though some pains maybe just linger on this side of eternity. You barely see her, you push her away and tear her down for no good reason? Is this your subtle attack, mean little jabs at a hurting heart? Or do you really not know what you do?

These are words I sometimes wish to say to you, things I'd like answers for. You'll probably never hear a word of it, because what good would come? Hurting you like you hurt her? That's not my job, and it's not worth it; what good would that possibly bring? And this..family? doesn't need more of this, not more hurtful words and division. And this would only probably lead to division, because I sort of doubt you'd forgive me, and my words wouldn't stay with you. You'd probably tell who knows how many mutual acquaintances of my audacity and selfishness; and who knows what you'd even tell them I said. There's such a fine line between vengeful words and loving though painful truth. If I could speak and help heal this I would, but I don't know if it's my place to try, or if I could even trust myself to try. And it's not mine to avenge.

Despite all this..despite what you've done..I can't pretend you've never shown love, at least love in your own way. And this is hard, because I feel bad for feeling towards you what I do sometimes, especially when you show your brighter colors. But then it hits me: I should feel bad for not loving you, and not because of the better days with you. 

I feel justified in not loving someone who hurts someone I love..but I KNOW that I'm not. And the more I know this, the less I'm starting to FEEL justified. Because there is Someone I have hurt many times, Who I still hurt sometimes. I hurt people He loves too, more than I care to admit. And He is my own Father.

But He has always loved me, enough that He would give His only and perfect Son's life to save mine, knowing all the evil I would ever do. And His Son willingly died for me to save me from all that, then He rose again that I may be free and live with Him forever. And knowing this, I still mess up all the time..and He STILL loves me and shows me mercy again and again. So knowing this, I can't help but know that I have to love you too..because how can I not love when I have less reason not to than He does. He loves me, so I can't NOT love you. He shows me mercy beyond measure, so how can I not be merciful to you out of my love for Him and appreciation for all He's done.

So then, despite all we go through, all the hurt you've caused..I will love you. Because the truth is that I am NOT better than you, and my Father loves me. And want to something else? My Father loves you too. More than I do. More than you can probably understand. And He wants you to know that and to love Him back as His child. Doesn't matter what you've done, He knows you've fallen and He wants you to know and follow Him still. I want you to know Him too, because He deserves your love and because knowing His love will change your life in ways you can't imagine. He can give you the peace and fulfillment you've sought for your whole life. Come to Him, from wherever you are. Love Him, follow Him, and He will not turn you away.