So..I guess I have something to add to my list of things I feel like I'll never understand. I guess it's the idea that your child could feel like an orphan after losing her dad. While you're still here. Do you really not care when she cries? I know that you were hurt..have been hurt too..or I know at least that's what you say. I can't judge your heart by your actions, though your words tell a lot. But I am sorry for what you've been through..if you've felt too far gone, lonely, ignored, unloved. But how could you blame her, HOW? How can you see her hurting and not comfort her..and not only that, but do things to hurt her more? I see her cry and want her to feel better, even though some pains maybe just linger on this side of eternity. You barely see her, you push her away and tear her down for no good reason? Is this your subtle attack, mean little jabs at a hurting heart? Or do you really not know what you do?
These are words I sometimes wish to say to you, things I'd like answers for. You'll probably never hear a word of it, because what good would come? Hurting you like you hurt her? That's not my job, and it's not worth it; what good would that possibly bring? And this..family? doesn't need more of this, not more hurtful words and division. And this would only probably lead to division, because I sort of doubt you'd forgive me, and my words wouldn't stay with you. You'd probably tell who knows how many mutual acquaintances of my audacity and selfishness; and who knows what you'd even tell them I said. There's such a fine line between vengeful words and loving though painful truth. If I could speak and help heal this I would, but I don't know if it's my place to try, or if I could even trust myself to try. And it's not mine to avenge.
Despite all this..despite what you've done..I can't pretend you've never shown love, at least love in your own way. And this is hard, because I feel bad for feeling towards you what I do sometimes, especially when you show your brighter colors. But then it hits me: I should feel bad for not loving you, and not because of the better days with you.
I feel justified in not loving someone who hurts someone I love..but I KNOW that I'm not. And the more I know this, the less I'm starting to FEEL justified. Because there is Someone I have hurt many times, Who I still hurt sometimes. I hurt people He loves too, more than I care to admit. And He is my own Father.
But He has always loved me, enough that He would give His only and perfect Son's life to save mine, knowing all the evil I would ever do. And His Son willingly died for me to save me from all that, then He rose again that I may be free and live with Him forever. And knowing this, I still mess up all the time..and He STILL loves me and shows me mercy again and again. So knowing this, I can't help but know that I have to love you too..because how can I not love when I have less reason not to than He does. He loves me, so I can't NOT love you. He shows me mercy beyond measure, so how can I not be merciful to you out of my love for Him and appreciation for all He's done.
So then, despite all we go through, all the hurt you've caused..I will love you. Because the truth is that I am NOT better than you, and my Father loves me. And want to something else? My Father loves you too. More than I do. More than you can probably understand. And He wants you to know that and to love Him back as His child. Doesn't matter what you've done, He knows you've fallen and He wants you to know and follow Him still. I want you to know Him too, because He deserves your love and because knowing His love will change your life in ways you can't imagine. He can give you the peace and fulfillment you've sought for your whole life. Come to Him, from wherever you are. Love Him, follow Him, and He will not turn you away.
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