This Will End, Good Will Come

"This will end, good will come." Words I keep replaying in my head. Even when I struggle and don't know why and don't know what's ahead, I can trust that my God works out all things for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Thankful for that, thankful for Him, and thankful for a beautiful, amazing mom who speaks love and truth into my life<3

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5

New

Sometimes it is necessary to leave the old in pursuit of the better new. Seeing that new is better though, I find myself not fully getting why the parts of the old that weren't bad can't move into the new. Maybe to some extent they can..it stands to be seen/understood I guess. But maybe some of the decent parts of the old have to just stay with the old sometimes..because the new has to be, well, totally new. It can be hard to let things go, but I guess it just comes down to trusting the One holding both new and old to work it out for the ultimate good whatever that looks like.

"Blessed be Your Name"

God, You sustain, You restore, and Your plans are good and Your will is best..Your ways and thoughts aren't ours--they are above ours. I pray these will truths will be seen through whatever You choose to do with this situation. I will praise You whatever, even if out of a wounded heart; it is YOU who makes me whole..to whom else could I ever go? Only You can give me life. You know the desires of my heart, and I pray that, if You will, You will grant them..in whole, or in part if that is what You want. But I pray that YOUR will be done, not mine. Let my desires come to be only inasmuch as they align with what Your will calls for. Thank you for Your goodness and love, and for sustaining me day by day in the waiting, in the uncertainty--in every season of my life, even when (please forgive me) I've failed to recognize it.

<3

Amen.

Life is Like an Art Gallery..

The thought hit me today (as partially inspired by a movie clip and partially inspired by my own life and a recent conversation) that things that happen in our life are like a bunch of little, up close pictures. Behind the wall that holds the pictures lies the rest of the image. We try to guess the whole, huge picture from the little ones so much of the time, to know what it all looks like, to help us make sense of the little pieces. But only the gallery's Maker, the Artist, knows that. Someday He may tell us, maybe. But for now we are to walk through His gallery, appreciating each little picture for what it is, trusting that His skill and care make it all come together for the good.

I Promise..

I promise..

to do all I can to make you feel like the amazing man I believe you are, to help you be confident in the man God made you.

to never make you doubt that I love you again, to try and surprise you with how much I love you on a regular basis.

to encourage you in Christ and remind you to take strength and comfort in Him and His immeasurable love for you.

to support you in all you do, to believe in you always, even when you doubt yourself.

to defend and build you up to others.

to stand by you and be on your side.

to try to make you feel better when I can't.

to trust you to lead the way..cause I know you can.

Thank you for..

Taking care of me when I didn't feel well..more than once.
Staying with me when I felt lonely.
Surprising me with things.
Little notes to try to cheer me up when I was in a bad mood.
Hugging me when I cried.
Being silly with me and taking my teasing.
Being my best friend.


I can remember the bad times, but I can't still feel old hurts, just the good you were for me..I'm sorry you can only look back and see mostly bad now:'( I almost wish I could do the same so I could stop feeling so sad now that you're gone. I pray that healing can occur and we can be together again..so I can show you how much I love you and you can believe it. I'd sacrifice so much for you, to make you feel loved and stronger, to let you see you in the amazing light that I do. For now I just cry and pray..He's got this even though it feels like heart-crushing chaos :'(

"Oh, how'd we get so disconnected?
My heart is shutting down, oh I just can't let it.

So I'll run forward and pray you fall back,
Grace will come and clear your path
Yeah I'll run forward and you fall back,
Come back"    ~Audrey Assad, Run Forward.

</3

:'(

Whoever said the whole "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" thing was crazy. I can't possibly believe that right now. My heart is crushed and I wish if I could not have kept the man I love that I had never have fallen in love. It took long..I didn't just fall carelessly into it..it took me over a year to get how deeply I loved him. And he told me he'd never end it..but then decided he had to. I feel like God must have something planned for this, but the pain is so hard to bear. I don't understand how I can heal..all my time being sad and single never hurt like this. Being afraid of never finding someone is bad, thinking you've found him and then having him taken away is excruciating. Praying that God will help me see, more real than ever, that He can do the impossible..I know it, but now I'm scared to be worthlessly in love and pain forever, and to never find the love I not only longed to have, but to give. I really want to love and support a godly man..I wanted to be with him through any struggle. Praying..praying..praying :'(



"Set me like a star before the morning
Like a sun that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be"

Can Love Really not be Enough?

Dreams..God has used them to speak to His people in the past, and I don't doubt that He still can..and maybe does.

My boyfriend has had the same dream every night for awhile.  He sees me marrying another man..at first the face was known but changed a lot, not it's just blank..he thinks he may be someone we havent met yet. And he walks out of the church to people congratulating him on..something..he thinks building something, though perhaps not a physical type of building. Then a year or so later he sees me announcing im pregnant. He says the dream gets more vivid/detailed all the time, like it's almost as vivid as real life.

I'm..heartbroken. We're trying to pray and discern and be sure. I'd been unsure, started feeling renewed uncertainty, around when he started having the dream. It seems like an obvious sign..but the thing is, seeing how he's been so strong for me and how he's sought God through this..my uncertainty has died. I don't want to lose him. My questions about my desire to be married, to sacrifice for another, about him leading me. They're gone. And now I'm left feeling broken. I feel like God may be taking away my best friend just when I become sure I want to be with him, totally sure for the first time in our relationship. My love for him and desire to be with him have finally outweighed the pure fear of being alone. I don't think that I could ever love someone else like this. I don't want to just be married, I want him. I'm praying maybe this could be the purpose for the dream, but we're not convinced.

I've never been so sad for so long. Praying..just praying..

People Dilemmas...

So when someone becomes a new believer, he naturally has places to grow..as do all of us on this side of eternity;) To demand instant change in all areas may be too much..and his heart issues are between him and God. But if someone has an issue that he refuses to see as a problem..and you can see it potentially affecting other believers....do you give him grace and wait, or do you lovingly call him out on it? Where's the line? Is it being too overbearing to say "I love you no matter what, but this IS wrong, you ARE making a mistake," or is that appropriate tough love? I tend to feel like truth spoken in love, whether or not someone will accept it, is always right. Especially when one person could lead another into a bad situation. But I don't trust my own wisdom enough to say I'm right. I want to know how to truly love..and not grow foolishly frustrated with people like this. Praying for wisdom and love...

Growing up!

Starting to see that I've wasted a ton of time getting too caught up in silly things that do nothing for my walk with Christ..or anybody else's. I get caught up in stupid little controversial things that arent real issues and don't involve me serving Christ in any way..it doesnt matter if I'm even in the right or not. I'm seeing more and more all the time what following Christ entails..not always in the specific, day-to-day stuff, but in the general, life-encompassing idea. I fall so short and really want to change. These minor stupid things dont even make me feel good in the long run. I want to be more wholeheartedly devoted to growing and serving.

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. ²³ Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorantcontroversies; you know that they breed quarrels. ²⁴ And the Lord's servant^[e] must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone,able to teach, patiently enduring evil, ²⁵ correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."  ~2Timothy 2:22-6


I'm not sure, but I feel like these verses may be more referring to types of controversies that are different from what I face..but it still seems like a good principal all the same.

Accountability..

Two of my best friends recently decided to hold me accountable..they think I have an issue with putting myself down too much, and now every weekend I have to write one positive thing about me for ever negative thing I say. This feels awkward :P Oh well, here ya go, guys:

1) I like my eyes.
2) I am sensitive to people's feelings..at least in general.
3) I like my smile.
4) I can make people laugh/smile sometimes.
5) I can put on a confident, outgoing attitude when I really want to.
6) I take responsibilities seriously.
7) I make it a point not to judge people based on where they're from.
8) I have random good..or at least fun ideas sometimes.
9) I can read people decently well.

"Jesus Hold Me Now"

I usually try to find more mysterious and/or interesting ways of putting things..but it's almost 4am and it's been too hard a day so I don't care. I hate cancer! I've been crying off and on for a few days now. I can't understand why one of my best friends in the world, one of the most spiritually solid guys I know, has to have cancer. I thought he was ok now. But we just learned things are more serious now..the treatment is more intense now. I only have about a week and a half before he has to be admitted to the hospital and we may not be face to face again for a long time (Even with the best possible outcome). I feel so sad off and on that I don't know how to just do normal life. I want to be there to talk or whatever he needs til he has to go. And I'm scared things will turn out horribly. They may not, but I'm still sad for all He'll face.

I know God has this though..nothings out of His control. And I know God's way is best..His justice, His plans..all perfect. Beyond what I could ever understand. I just wish I could understand for now..more important, I wish my friend could. But I feel bad for asking "Why him, God?", as if I'm saying I know better or God has done something wrong. Neither of those is true at all, I know. It's just all I can seem to wonder at brief times. I pray He can have mercy on my weakness here.

So I'll just keep praying..for my friend more than anything: for healing, for strengthened (not shaken) faith, for unimaginable peace, for the feeling of his loving Father's embrace. And, to a lesser degree, for us..the people who love him. To know how to care for someone kind of out of reach. To not lose hope. To be able to keep going on when we need to.


~~Give me the faith, to believe in these hard times~~
Through God are ALL things possible.

That Crazy Four-Letter Word..Sighs.

So I'm now apparently at THAT age. The age where everybody's getting in super lovey cutesy relationships, getting engaged, and married happily ever after in rapid succession. Aside from getting used to the numbers of single friends dwindling, I'm starting to try to figure out something else..why am I not like these people?

As misleading as the intro was, I'm actually in a relationship right now. He's a really decent guy; Christian (that's a must for me), kind, generous..just a nice guy. But in terms of our relationship, I have no desire to be like the dating friends we know. I don't want to be together EVERY second. I don't want to walk around when we're with groups of our friends (most of whom were actually my friends first..at the more than risk of sounding super immature and petty:/). I don't want to post all over facebook about us doing things together and about how I have sweetest most amazing boyfriend in the whole world. And while I'm not at all ashamed to be dating him, I still wanna be known and seen as more than his girlfriend. Oh and the thought of marriage? Still freaking me out; I couldnt agree to it right now.

So this leads me to wonder: do I just have a different personality than most girls at this stage in life..or do I actually love this guy at all. Should I even be dating him? I wish I knew..I don't want to dump him unless I know I have to, he's been with me through quite a bit. But I just don't know anymore:/

One of My Most Hated Words..Ever.

Well, I know why people going through tragic things so often say that they just take it one day at a time..because sometimes it's all you can do. Thinking ahead is scary, because without knowing what's there, the imagination is left to do as it will..which can be even worse than the truth. And sometimes even sticking to what you are MOST sure is to come seems overwhelming..like going through the ordinary day-to-day things feels like more than you can bare. This is the only time I've said this in print form, since I don't want to spread news to others via text, facebook, or many other common means of the times: My close friend has cancer. 


My age. 


Out of what felt like nowhere..or at least nowhere I had anticipated could lead to this. 


He'd had chest pains..I'd told him to go to the doctor, but I never knew it could be cancer. If I had, would I have pushed harder? Would he have listened? I don't know, it's all feeling real I guess..I mean, I broke down crying when he told me, so can I even deny ever feeling the reality? And yet in the midst of the real, it still feels almost surreal. I try to feel better by getting distracted, by helping those at a given moment who are holding up worse than me, by thinking with our friends of ways to love and care for him and his family. I'm doing better I guess..it's been a few days since I learned. I can tell people without crying now. And he might be ok. He REALLY might be. He's young and stubborn with strong faith, and we serve a God who can raise the dead. I wish my emotions got all this as well as my brain does. I just dont want him in the hospital where we can't see him anymore, and I dont want him sick from chemo or feeling lonely or scared..though praise God, he seems ok so far, and God really, truly is faithful. 


When I get distracted I'm ok. When I talk to him (text, because we can't go where he is for now), it's so bitter sweet. I smile as we joke like always, as he gives me advice and encouragement, as I balance encouragement with telling him I'm humoring him as he gives me a hard time about things because he's hospitalized, and that he'd better get out soon because I need someone to drag me to social things I don't want to go to (something we've both done to each other in the past). But no matter how upbeat he seems, I feel the sadness, even just a hint, creep in knowing what he's going through all the while and that I couldnt get to him if i wanted to.


It could be a long battle..this is one of the saddest things I think I've ever felt..but I feel selfish..how must he be feeling right now?? All I can do is pray and love him and try to care for our other friends and for his family now. No good comes from just being sad.


Still pretty confident that no one has really read this blog except me and MAYBE one or two others (and they've only seen part(s))..but in case I'm wrong, if you could say a quick prayer, I'd be so grateful. Thanks<3






Praying for you, MB.

Band-aids

At work the other day, one of our little boys was playing when we noticed that he had a bloody elbow. I hadn't seemed to notice, but it needed to be cleaned up anyway. I carried him inside, and he acted completely fine, still cheerful and all. However, when I started to gently clean his arm, he began to cry and say "No, no!" I tried distracting him by pulling out the colorful band-aids and asking which of the bright colors he wanted..but he just kept saying "No!" It was so sad having him cry like that, but I couldn't do anything about it; the injury had to be dealt with so it could heal well. What struck me more than his crying though was his attempts at getting away..sort of. He didnt run from me,  but rather would sort of move to my side, away from my cleaning, bandaging hands. It was like he wanted the comfort of being held while he was sad/injured, but he didn't want me to deal with the problem because it hurt too much.

This kinda made me think. I think sometimes we are like that with God (I'm not comparing myself to God. At all. I promise!) But like, I think when we're hurting and have some sort of problem, we sometimes want him to comfort us, to make us feel ok about it, but not to actually start fixing/healing us, because that actually can get painful. He wants to truly heal us; we just want to feel ok. But He loves us too much to be alright with just letting us ignore the bleeding wounds and feel better. He wants us to be better.

Maybe a week or so later, a friend of mine spoke at our college group about scars, how we have invisible ones that we want to hide, but how Jesus brings us true healing. We just have to let Him..to "want to be well." This isn't EXACTLY like my story, but it reminded me of it. Just kinda makes me think.

Isn't it nice belonging??

So I think I've basically entered a weird sort of early mid-life crisis..I'm quietly freaking out about being almost done with school, and I've developed a weird habit of going to and/or joining things that make people say, "You? Seriously?" One of these things is running for a second term on student government..with a group of people who, while they mostly ACT nice to me, I basically don't trust overall. They're unkind to my friends..and I feel like they might manipulate or not care about me at all. But they asked me to join them, and I didn't know the other guys at the time, so I figured it wouldn't matter.

Long story short, things were pretty alright until this week..campaign week. It is so intense..one over-drama situation broke out yesterday, and it was not a good day for me. I made the mistake of saying something about having a bad day on facebook..i know, i know...

Today a girl associated with.."my people"..asked if it was ok, wanted me to talk, justified, tried to reason..and i would have been fine to walk away from the conversation. But one thing that struck me was that at one point she said something like, "You've been in sg, isn't it nice to belong?"

There may be anomalies..I don't know. But ultimately I think that we as human beings have a fundamental longing to belong..to find people to embrace us, to care for and be cared for BY us, to defend us and uplift us and..all that stuff. For some people this takes the form of finding a strong, loving community..for others we find people who "love" us..even if we lose us in pursuing their acceptance. That group can be fun, but I don't like who I am with them. I wonder if they like who they are with them..or if it's just what they know..

Venting Like This is Why I have a Secret-ish Blog.....

Sooooo i kind of have no idea what's going on in my life lately..I've been asked out by maybe six guys in the past few weeks? Really, this does NOT happen to me. It's flattering but insane and has left me with some choices to make...well, one mostly. One guy who i've now gone out with once..I'm trying to figure out where he's at in his faith. He's at LEAST cultural, but telling the difference between that and being a real Jesus follower can be hard sometimes. I'm also trying to figure out if I even want a relationship when push comes to shove. I like some of the freedom of singleness. The idea of marriage..of committing to one person on that level for the rest of my earthly life..TERRIFIES me at this point. And stressing over whether someone's mad at you or whatever as often as I have in the past is not fun. Plus...I'm..my age. I'm scared of missing a relationship I could be more sure about in the time spent in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I feel like that's a horrible way to think about it.


And all of this is coming so shortly after a particularly painful situation..like seriously, it was only January when a friend who seemed interested in me basically said "I'm attracted to some things about you.......guys are going to be interested in you because you're so this and that whether you're flirting or not......but I don't want a relationship." I was really hurt for some reason..I found a message the other day I'd sent to a close friend about how I wasn't even sure I wanted close guy friends anymore because I'd been hurt too much lately..I didn't want to feel anymore. So why these guys now? Why this guy? He has a lot of qualities I admire, but is it even possible that this could end well? We're going out again this week...which stresses me out hardcore because I don't really like the whole dating scene too much and because I feel guilty not being able to give him a straight answer about whether or not I want to try this. But I don't want to lose him either.....do I? I don't like this, I don't even know where it came from. I didn't know this guy two months ago! He was a respected friend of a friend who I'd never REALLY met. Basically a name and a face with a decent reputation. And now...this? I wasn't looking for this, not really..and HE wasn't looking for a relationship (an interesting contrast to my previous relationships, I think). I don't even know what he sees in me, or if it should matter. Sighs. It's times like this when it would be awesome if God would just tell me specifically, straight-up what to do..maybe I already know..maybe I wouldn't want that like I think I would. Idk, I'm lost. 

Jack Black Movies and Singleness...

"Look, I know what I am, and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who gets really good grades and is not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends..."   
   
~Rosemary, Shallow Hal


I kind of identified with this line..not perfectly, but still. And I liked the character who said it; in reality she wasn't super-model beautiful, and until the protagonist came along, she had only had one guy interested in her, and it didn't work out (she didn't stay interested in him). But she had such a kind, giving heart; she was one of the most internally beautiful people in the whole movie. And she knew herself, except for failing to see the beauty she did have.


Apart from this, I've been thinking lately..despite my frequent struggles with singlehood, I'm wondering if maybe this might not be for the best. I tend to most want a guy when I feel sad, scared, insecure..basically at times when I should be clinging to God, not to a guy. I mean, leaning on a guy could be ok, but not in place of God. He needs to be my source of comfort and strength regardless of anyone or anything else. HE needs to be my #1. I don't know how it all works for sure..but maybe me being single is happening in part to keep me from making the grave mistake of giving too much of my heart, to leaning too heavily on a man in my life. Maybe my time is later, maybe never, who knows (well, I mean, God knows..). But either way, I think I'll be ok. God is faithful. And, in a few senses, I could stand to be a little more of a pre-Hal Rosemary;)

Arthur

"Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself. And, incidentally, I love you."  


Nothing profound to say about this, just a line from some '80s movie about a ridiculous drunk and his relational misadventures. This was said to him when he was, well, feeling unloved and sorry for himself (or at least I think that was the situation..wasn't totally watching it,lol). It stuck out to me for some reason, just something I'd like to lovingly say sometimes..maybe something I could benefit from hearing at some points as well ;) Plus the matter-of-fact tone in which the character spoke it was kinda just funny x)

Boy Stories (uh-oh..)

~How do you respond when a guy says he's been praying and feels like he should pursue a relationship with you, but you're not interested..?

~What about the nice guy who you think is a friend, who asks you to "hang out," one-on-one, as in "dinner and a movie?" When the relationship isn't clearly defined, this is just plain confusing..

~Guys that go from girl to girl, reasoning that if a relationship doesn't work it just wasn't God's will, and there is no reason not to promptly move on..ugh too much logic for me.

~The guy who expresses in no uncertain terms that he is not interested in you, but still wants to listen and encourage you and tell you semi-deep stuff..ouch.

~Guys who feel slighted because girls don't give them a chance (as in, the select girls they express interest in don't give them a chance), and yet they themselves wouldn't necessarily give just any given girl a chance..

~Guys who date your best friend, and subsequently will not allow the two of you to live out your dream of running away to start a convent and live a life free of guy issues....;)