Well, I know why people going through tragic things so often say that they just take it one day at a time..because sometimes it's all you can do. Thinking ahead is scary, because without knowing what's there, the imagination is left to do as it will..which can be even worse than the truth. And sometimes even sticking to what you are MOST sure is to come seems overwhelming..like going through the ordinary day-to-day things feels like more than you can bare. This is the only time I've said this in print form, since I don't want to spread news to others via text, facebook, or many other common means of the times: My close friend has cancer.
My age.
Out of what felt like nowhere..or at least nowhere I had anticipated could lead to this.
He'd had chest pains..I'd told him to go to the doctor, but I never knew it could be cancer. If I had, would I have pushed harder? Would he have listened? I don't know, it's all feeling real I guess..I mean, I broke down crying when he told me, so can I even deny ever feeling the reality? And yet in the midst of the real, it still feels almost surreal. I try to feel better by getting distracted, by helping those at a given moment who are holding up worse than me, by thinking with our friends of ways to love and care for him and his family. I'm doing better I guess..it's been a few days since I learned. I can tell people without crying now. And he might be ok. He REALLY might be. He's young and stubborn with strong faith, and we serve a God who can raise the dead. I wish my emotions got all this as well as my brain does. I just dont want him in the hospital where we can't see him anymore, and I dont want him sick from chemo or feeling lonely or scared..though praise God, he seems ok so far, and God really, truly is faithful.
When I get distracted I'm ok. When I talk to him (text, because we can't go where he is for now), it's so bitter sweet. I smile as we joke like always, as he gives me advice and encouragement, as I balance encouragement with telling him I'm humoring him as he gives me a hard time about things because he's hospitalized, and that he'd better get out soon because I need someone to drag me to social things I don't want to go to (something we've both done to each other in the past). But no matter how upbeat he seems, I feel the sadness, even just a hint, creep in knowing what he's going through all the while and that I couldnt get to him if i wanted to.
It could be a long battle..this is one of the saddest things I think I've ever felt..but I feel selfish..how must he be feeling right now?? All I can do is pray and love him and try to care for our other friends and for his family now. No good comes from just being sad.
Still pretty confident that no one has really read this blog except me and MAYBE one or two others (and they've only seen part(s))..but in case I'm wrong, if you could say a quick prayer, I'd be so grateful. Thanks<3
Praying for you, MB.
