That Crazy Four-Letter Word..Sighs.

So I'm now apparently at THAT age. The age where everybody's getting in super lovey cutesy relationships, getting engaged, and married happily ever after in rapid succession. Aside from getting used to the numbers of single friends dwindling, I'm starting to try to figure out something else..why am I not like these people?

As misleading as the intro was, I'm actually in a relationship right now. He's a really decent guy; Christian (that's a must for me), kind, generous..just a nice guy. But in terms of our relationship, I have no desire to be like the dating friends we know. I don't want to be together EVERY second. I don't want to walk around when we're with groups of our friends (most of whom were actually my friends first..at the more than risk of sounding super immature and petty:/). I don't want to post all over facebook about us doing things together and about how I have sweetest most amazing boyfriend in the whole world. And while I'm not at all ashamed to be dating him, I still wanna be known and seen as more than his girlfriend. Oh and the thought of marriage? Still freaking me out; I couldnt agree to it right now.

So this leads me to wonder: do I just have a different personality than most girls at this stage in life..or do I actually love this guy at all. Should I even be dating him? I wish I knew..I don't want to dump him unless I know I have to, he's been with me through quite a bit. But I just don't know anymore:/

One of My Most Hated Words..Ever.

Well, I know why people going through tragic things so often say that they just take it one day at a time..because sometimes it's all you can do. Thinking ahead is scary, because without knowing what's there, the imagination is left to do as it will..which can be even worse than the truth. And sometimes even sticking to what you are MOST sure is to come seems overwhelming..like going through the ordinary day-to-day things feels like more than you can bare. This is the only time I've said this in print form, since I don't want to spread news to others via text, facebook, or many other common means of the times: My close friend has cancer. 


My age. 


Out of what felt like nowhere..or at least nowhere I had anticipated could lead to this. 


He'd had chest pains..I'd told him to go to the doctor, but I never knew it could be cancer. If I had, would I have pushed harder? Would he have listened? I don't know, it's all feeling real I guess..I mean, I broke down crying when he told me, so can I even deny ever feeling the reality? And yet in the midst of the real, it still feels almost surreal. I try to feel better by getting distracted, by helping those at a given moment who are holding up worse than me, by thinking with our friends of ways to love and care for him and his family. I'm doing better I guess..it's been a few days since I learned. I can tell people without crying now. And he might be ok. He REALLY might be. He's young and stubborn with strong faith, and we serve a God who can raise the dead. I wish my emotions got all this as well as my brain does. I just dont want him in the hospital where we can't see him anymore, and I dont want him sick from chemo or feeling lonely or scared..though praise God, he seems ok so far, and God really, truly is faithful. 


When I get distracted I'm ok. When I talk to him (text, because we can't go where he is for now), it's so bitter sweet. I smile as we joke like always, as he gives me advice and encouragement, as I balance encouragement with telling him I'm humoring him as he gives me a hard time about things because he's hospitalized, and that he'd better get out soon because I need someone to drag me to social things I don't want to go to (something we've both done to each other in the past). But no matter how upbeat he seems, I feel the sadness, even just a hint, creep in knowing what he's going through all the while and that I couldnt get to him if i wanted to.


It could be a long battle..this is one of the saddest things I think I've ever felt..but I feel selfish..how must he be feeling right now?? All I can do is pray and love him and try to care for our other friends and for his family now. No good comes from just being sad.


Still pretty confident that no one has really read this blog except me and MAYBE one or two others (and they've only seen part(s))..but in case I'm wrong, if you could say a quick prayer, I'd be so grateful. Thanks<3






Praying for you, MB.

Band-aids

At work the other day, one of our little boys was playing when we noticed that he had a bloody elbow. I hadn't seemed to notice, but it needed to be cleaned up anyway. I carried him inside, and he acted completely fine, still cheerful and all. However, when I started to gently clean his arm, he began to cry and say "No, no!" I tried distracting him by pulling out the colorful band-aids and asking which of the bright colors he wanted..but he just kept saying "No!" It was so sad having him cry like that, but I couldn't do anything about it; the injury had to be dealt with so it could heal well. What struck me more than his crying though was his attempts at getting away..sort of. He didnt run from me,  but rather would sort of move to my side, away from my cleaning, bandaging hands. It was like he wanted the comfort of being held while he was sad/injured, but he didn't want me to deal with the problem because it hurt too much.

This kinda made me think. I think sometimes we are like that with God (I'm not comparing myself to God. At all. I promise!) But like, I think when we're hurting and have some sort of problem, we sometimes want him to comfort us, to make us feel ok about it, but not to actually start fixing/healing us, because that actually can get painful. He wants to truly heal us; we just want to feel ok. But He loves us too much to be alright with just letting us ignore the bleeding wounds and feel better. He wants us to be better.

Maybe a week or so later, a friend of mine spoke at our college group about scars, how we have invisible ones that we want to hide, but how Jesus brings us true healing. We just have to let Him..to "want to be well." This isn't EXACTLY like my story, but it reminded me of it. Just kinda makes me think.

Isn't it nice belonging??

So I think I've basically entered a weird sort of early mid-life crisis..I'm quietly freaking out about being almost done with school, and I've developed a weird habit of going to and/or joining things that make people say, "You? Seriously?" One of these things is running for a second term on student government..with a group of people who, while they mostly ACT nice to me, I basically don't trust overall. They're unkind to my friends..and I feel like they might manipulate or not care about me at all. But they asked me to join them, and I didn't know the other guys at the time, so I figured it wouldn't matter.

Long story short, things were pretty alright until this week..campaign week. It is so intense..one over-drama situation broke out yesterday, and it was not a good day for me. I made the mistake of saying something about having a bad day on facebook..i know, i know...

Today a girl associated with.."my people"..asked if it was ok, wanted me to talk, justified, tried to reason..and i would have been fine to walk away from the conversation. But one thing that struck me was that at one point she said something like, "You've been in sg, isn't it nice to belong?"

There may be anomalies..I don't know. But ultimately I think that we as human beings have a fundamental longing to belong..to find people to embrace us, to care for and be cared for BY us, to defend us and uplift us and..all that stuff. For some people this takes the form of finding a strong, loving community..for others we find people who "love" us..even if we lose us in pursuing their acceptance. That group can be fun, but I don't like who I am with them. I wonder if they like who they are with them..or if it's just what they know..

Venting Like This is Why I have a Secret-ish Blog.....

Sooooo i kind of have no idea what's going on in my life lately..I've been asked out by maybe six guys in the past few weeks? Really, this does NOT happen to me. It's flattering but insane and has left me with some choices to make...well, one mostly. One guy who i've now gone out with once..I'm trying to figure out where he's at in his faith. He's at LEAST cultural, but telling the difference between that and being a real Jesus follower can be hard sometimes. I'm also trying to figure out if I even want a relationship when push comes to shove. I like some of the freedom of singleness. The idea of marriage..of committing to one person on that level for the rest of my earthly life..TERRIFIES me at this point. And stressing over whether someone's mad at you or whatever as often as I have in the past is not fun. Plus...I'm..my age. I'm scared of missing a relationship I could be more sure about in the time spent in a less-than-ideal relationship, but I feel like that's a horrible way to think about it.


And all of this is coming so shortly after a particularly painful situation..like seriously, it was only January when a friend who seemed interested in me basically said "I'm attracted to some things about you.......guys are going to be interested in you because you're so this and that whether you're flirting or not......but I don't want a relationship." I was really hurt for some reason..I found a message the other day I'd sent to a close friend about how I wasn't even sure I wanted close guy friends anymore because I'd been hurt too much lately..I didn't want to feel anymore. So why these guys now? Why this guy? He has a lot of qualities I admire, but is it even possible that this could end well? We're going out again this week...which stresses me out hardcore because I don't really like the whole dating scene too much and because I feel guilty not being able to give him a straight answer about whether or not I want to try this. But I don't want to lose him either.....do I? I don't like this, I don't even know where it came from. I didn't know this guy two months ago! He was a respected friend of a friend who I'd never REALLY met. Basically a name and a face with a decent reputation. And now...this? I wasn't looking for this, not really..and HE wasn't looking for a relationship (an interesting contrast to my previous relationships, I think). I don't even know what he sees in me, or if it should matter. Sighs. It's times like this when it would be awesome if God would just tell me specifically, straight-up what to do..maybe I already know..maybe I wouldn't want that like I think I would. Idk, I'm lost. 

Jack Black Movies and Singleness...

"Look, I know what I am, and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who gets really good grades and is not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends..."   
   
~Rosemary, Shallow Hal


I kind of identified with this line..not perfectly, but still. And I liked the character who said it; in reality she wasn't super-model beautiful, and until the protagonist came along, she had only had one guy interested in her, and it didn't work out (she didn't stay interested in him). But she had such a kind, giving heart; she was one of the most internally beautiful people in the whole movie. And she knew herself, except for failing to see the beauty she did have.


Apart from this, I've been thinking lately..despite my frequent struggles with singlehood, I'm wondering if maybe this might not be for the best. I tend to most want a guy when I feel sad, scared, insecure..basically at times when I should be clinging to God, not to a guy. I mean, leaning on a guy could be ok, but not in place of God. He needs to be my source of comfort and strength regardless of anyone or anything else. HE needs to be my #1. I don't know how it all works for sure..but maybe me being single is happening in part to keep me from making the grave mistake of giving too much of my heart, to leaning too heavily on a man in my life. Maybe my time is later, maybe never, who knows (well, I mean, God knows..). But either way, I think I'll be ok. God is faithful. And, in a few senses, I could stand to be a little more of a pre-Hal Rosemary;)

Arthur

"Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself. And, incidentally, I love you."  


Nothing profound to say about this, just a line from some '80s movie about a ridiculous drunk and his relational misadventures. This was said to him when he was, well, feeling unloved and sorry for himself (or at least I think that was the situation..wasn't totally watching it,lol). It stuck out to me for some reason, just something I'd like to lovingly say sometimes..maybe something I could benefit from hearing at some points as well ;) Plus the matter-of-fact tone in which the character spoke it was kinda just funny x)

Boy Stories (uh-oh..)

~How do you respond when a guy says he's been praying and feels like he should pursue a relationship with you, but you're not interested..?

~What about the nice guy who you think is a friend, who asks you to "hang out," one-on-one, as in "dinner and a movie?" When the relationship isn't clearly defined, this is just plain confusing..

~Guys that go from girl to girl, reasoning that if a relationship doesn't work it just wasn't God's will, and there is no reason not to promptly move on..ugh too much logic for me.

~The guy who expresses in no uncertain terms that he is not interested in you, but still wants to listen and encourage you and tell you semi-deep stuff..ouch.

~Guys who feel slighted because girls don't give them a chance (as in, the select girls they express interest in don't give them a chance), and yet they themselves wouldn't necessarily give just any given girl a chance..

~Guys who date your best friend, and subsequently will not allow the two of you to live out your dream of running away to start a convent and live a life free of guy issues....;)